Jack: Hey, what's going on with the Gazette these days? I opened a copy earlier and it literally crumbled to dust in my hands.
Louisa: Told you there's a paper shortage. We've had to start using this low-grade paper substitute.
Jack: I bet people who buy the Brooks Academy Crier don't have to deal with this shit
Louisa: It's Tania's fault. For months now she's been refusing to print the pages double-sided cos she likes to laminate them on her wall at home and she doesn't want any bleed-through, so we used up our whole year's paper budget in six months.
Jack: Couldn't she have just done the single-sided thing on her own personal copy, and printed all the rest normally?
Louisa: I don't think she knows how to change the printer settings back and forth like that. She's useless. When I become editor, I'm gonna do things totally differently.
Jack: Maybe printing isn't her forte, but she must've been given the job for a reason
Louisa: Yeah, cos Mrs Jamboree is her aunt
Jack: Don't you get tired of being so cynical?
Louisa: Since when does pointing out other people's cynicism make me cynical? Tania must be the worst editor the Gazette's ever had.
Jack: Wasn't the previous editor a duck?
Louisa: That was just ceremonial. And besides, he quacked approval to some very courageous articles.
Bus CXXX
Louisa: Have you read the new after-school clubs brochure?
Jack: No, I'm waiting for the movie version
Louisa: I hate the way they're trying to change the character of the whole school
Jack: No, you don't. You love that you've got something new to complain about.
Louisa: We're used to normal after-school activities like Shouting Club, Imagination Time and the Soup Olympics. But now it's all weird stuff like rugby and chess.
Jack: Wait, there's no Soup Olympics this year? What about the Minestrone Marathon?
Louisa: Cancelled. Apparently people started asking too many questions about all those scaldings. And Willy Martin's parents were very upset when he got crushed by that giant crouton.
Jack: Spoilsports. Maybe we should set up our own after-school club.
Louisa: I already tried that. Don't you remember my Mass Debating Club?
Jack: Oh yeah. Whatever happened with that?
Louisa: I had to close it down in the end. A lot of people seemed to get the wrong idea.
Jack: No, I'm waiting for the movie version
Louisa: I hate the way they're trying to change the character of the whole school
Jack: No, you don't. You love that you've got something new to complain about.
Louisa: We're used to normal after-school activities like Shouting Club, Imagination Time and the Soup Olympics. But now it's all weird stuff like rugby and chess.
Jack: Wait, there's no Soup Olympics this year? What about the Minestrone Marathon?
Louisa: Cancelled. Apparently people started asking too many questions about all those scaldings. And Willy Martin's parents were very upset when he got crushed by that giant crouton.
Jack: Spoilsports. Maybe we should set up our own after-school club.
Louisa: I already tried that. Don't you remember my Mass Debating Club?
Jack: Oh yeah. Whatever happened with that?
Louisa: I had to close it down in the end. A lot of people seemed to get the wrong idea.
Bus CXXIX
Scott: Guess what I saw last night
Jack: The naked futility of life?
Louisa: No, that was more late afternoon
Scott: I was walking past that chicken restaurant in town, and I saw a ghost in there
Louisa: No way. How'd you know it was a ghost?
Scott: He was all pale and dead-looking
Jack: That just sounds like one of their employees
Scott: This was at 3am
Louisa: How could you even see in there at 3am? They pull down those security blinds.
Scott: The ghost had opened all the blinds. And the doors too.
Jack: Why would a ghost open all the doors? Couldn't he just float through them?
Louisa: Maybe he has a ghoulish sense of humour. See what I did there?
Jack: What was the ghost doing, Scott?
Scott: Making a cheeseburger
Jack: Okay, this is ridiculous. Why would he go to the chicken restaurant for a cheeseburger when there's a perfectly good burger bar just down the road?
Scott: I was gonna go in and ask him that, but the next thing I knew I was back in my bed at home. He must've used his ghost powers to send me there.
Louisa: Sounds like you just had a bad dream, Scott
Scott: Oh yeah? If it was just a bad dream, how come I woke up with this straw from the chicken restaurant in my hand?
Jack: That's the bendy straw I gave you when your microwave broke. You're still carrying it around with you?
Scott: Well, I can't afford a security blanket
Jack: The naked futility of life?
Louisa: No, that was more late afternoon
Scott: I was walking past that chicken restaurant in town, and I saw a ghost in there
Louisa: No way. How'd you know it was a ghost?
Scott: He was all pale and dead-looking
Jack: That just sounds like one of their employees
Scott: This was at 3am
Louisa: How could you even see in there at 3am? They pull down those security blinds.
Scott: The ghost had opened all the blinds. And the doors too.
Jack: Why would a ghost open all the doors? Couldn't he just float through them?
Louisa: Maybe he has a ghoulish sense of humour. See what I did there?
Jack: What was the ghost doing, Scott?
Scott: Making a cheeseburger
Jack: Okay, this is ridiculous. Why would he go to the chicken restaurant for a cheeseburger when there's a perfectly good burger bar just down the road?
Scott: I was gonna go in and ask him that, but the next thing I knew I was back in my bed at home. He must've used his ghost powers to send me there.
Louisa: Sounds like you just had a bad dream, Scott
Scott: Oh yeah? If it was just a bad dream, how come I woke up with this straw from the chicken restaurant in my hand?
Jack: That's the bendy straw I gave you when your microwave broke. You're still carrying it around with you?
Scott: Well, I can't afford a security blanket
Bus CXXVIII
Louisa: Exciting news. My psychic said you're definitely gonna win that award for the grisliest death
Jack: Oh joy
Louisa: And that's not even the best part. She also said I'm gonna be there to take a photo. No one's ever got a picture of the winning death before. You meeting your maker could be the making of me.
Jack: If I meet my maker, I'm gonna be having some words with him about you
Louisa: What makes you think it's a guy?
Jack: What makes you think it's a good idea for the sisterhood to take credit for all the wars and poverty and crappy game shows?
Louisa: Because there are also all these great things like flowers and rainbows?
Jack: If God really cared about people, he'd stop messing about with the colours and start making those rainbows bullet-proof
Jack: Oh joy
Louisa: And that's not even the best part. She also said I'm gonna be there to take a photo. No one's ever got a picture of the winning death before. You meeting your maker could be the making of me.
Jack: If I meet my maker, I'm gonna be having some words with him about you
Louisa: What makes you think it's a guy?
Jack: What makes you think it's a good idea for the sisterhood to take credit for all the wars and poverty and crappy game shows?
Louisa: Because there are also all these great things like flowers and rainbows?
Jack: If God really cared about people, he'd stop messing about with the colours and start making those rainbows bullet-proof
Bus CXXVII
Jack: God, Scott, have you been drinking? You stink of rum.
Louisa: How d'you know what rum smells like?
Jack: My dad uses rum-scented bath salts
Louisa: How the other half live, eh, Scott?
Jack: You're the one who holidays in New York. I've never even been to old York. And when I asked my mum for a new phone, all she gave me was this lollipop.
Louisa: So is it true, Scott? Have you been drinking rum? What would your sister think?
Scott: She's the one who gave it to me
Jack: So let me get this straight. Your father went bankrupt and fled the country, your mother checked into a psychiatric hospital and nobody even seems to mention her anymore, and now your unemployed sister is sending you to school drunk. Here, you need this lollipop more than I do.
Scott: It's not like that. We can't drink from the taps at the moment cos there's been a chemical leak on our estate. And our mum was buying so much alcohol before she went in the asylum that we're not gonna run out for months. By then the water supply will be fixed, and we won't have risked putting any dangerous toxins into our bodies.
Louisa: But you can't just walk around drunk all the time
Jack: Why not? It works for the school caretaker.
Louisa: That's different. Scott's too young to give up on life.
Jack: I dunno. Might as well get it over with.
Louisa: How d'you know what rum smells like?
Jack: My dad uses rum-scented bath salts
Louisa: How the other half live, eh, Scott?
Jack: You're the one who holidays in New York. I've never even been to old York. And when I asked my mum for a new phone, all she gave me was this lollipop.
Louisa: So is it true, Scott? Have you been drinking rum? What would your sister think?
Scott: She's the one who gave it to me
Jack: So let me get this straight. Your father went bankrupt and fled the country, your mother checked into a psychiatric hospital and nobody even seems to mention her anymore, and now your unemployed sister is sending you to school drunk. Here, you need this lollipop more than I do.
Scott: It's not like that. We can't drink from the taps at the moment cos there's been a chemical leak on our estate. And our mum was buying so much alcohol before she went in the asylum that we're not gonna run out for months. By then the water supply will be fixed, and we won't have risked putting any dangerous toxins into our bodies.
Louisa: But you can't just walk around drunk all the time
Jack: Why not? It works for the school caretaker.
Louisa: That's different. Scott's too young to give up on life.
Jack: I dunno. Might as well get it over with.
Bus CXXVI
Louisa: How come I didn't see you on the bus this morning? I thought your bike got impounded.
Scott: Yeah, I got the early bus
Louisa: What early bus?
Scott: You know, the one that delivers the milk
Louisa: I don't think that's a bus, Scott
Scott: God, you sound just like the driver
Scott: Yeah, I got the early bus
Louisa: What early bus?
Scott: You know, the one that delivers the milk
Louisa: I don't think that's a bus, Scott
Scott: God, you sound just like the driver
Bus CXXV
Jack: Are you going to the Making Quality Fairer speech?
Louisa: What's that?
Jack: It's where the Head's gonna set out her agenda for next term
Louisa: Fairytale villainy. Next.
Jack: I suppose it's the fate of all great thinkers to be maligned by idiots. But with an attitude like that, perhaps it's best you don't come.
Louisa: Oh, I'll be there. It's still better than being in class.
Jack: The speech is at lunchtime
Louisa: Oh, then no. I'll be in the canteen, stockpiling muffins.
Jack: What about the anti-depressants?
Louisa: Apparently the muffins are safe. In fact it turns out they don't put anti-depressants in any of the desserts.
Jack: Weird. I'd have thought the fat kids needed cheering up most. Anyway, the canteen is where she's making the speech. They've closed down the kitchens for the day.
Louisa: But what about food?
Jack: Today they're serving a different kind of food. Food for thought.
Louisa: Then I'll be down the shop, buying real food. And I guess missing her speech will be a nice little bonus.
Jack: Oh, you won't miss the speech. It's gonna be broadcast on the shop's loudspeaker. And everywhere else that has a loudspeaker.
Louisa: Do the toilets have loudspeakers?
Jack: They do now
Louisa: God, is there no way to avoid this woman's stupid Fascist regime?
Jack: That's sort of the point of a Fascist regime. You can't just hide in the toilets and wait for it to pass.
Louisa: What does Making Quality Fairer even mean?
Jack: I think it means we can't afford to give everyone quality, so it's fairer not to let anyone have it
Louisa: What's that?
Jack: It's where the Head's gonna set out her agenda for next term
Louisa: Fairytale villainy. Next.
Jack: I suppose it's the fate of all great thinkers to be maligned by idiots. But with an attitude like that, perhaps it's best you don't come.
Louisa: Oh, I'll be there. It's still better than being in class.
Jack: The speech is at lunchtime
Louisa: Oh, then no. I'll be in the canteen, stockpiling muffins.
Jack: What about the anti-depressants?
Louisa: Apparently the muffins are safe. In fact it turns out they don't put anti-depressants in any of the desserts.
Jack: Weird. I'd have thought the fat kids needed cheering up most. Anyway, the canteen is where she's making the speech. They've closed down the kitchens for the day.
Louisa: But what about food?
Jack: Today they're serving a different kind of food. Food for thought.
Louisa: Then I'll be down the shop, buying real food. And I guess missing her speech will be a nice little bonus.
Jack: Oh, you won't miss the speech. It's gonna be broadcast on the shop's loudspeaker. And everywhere else that has a loudspeaker.
Louisa: Do the toilets have loudspeakers?
Jack: They do now
Louisa: God, is there no way to avoid this woman's stupid Fascist regime?
Jack: That's sort of the point of a Fascist regime. You can't just hide in the toilets and wait for it to pass.
Louisa: What does Making Quality Fairer even mean?
Jack: I think it means we can't afford to give everyone quality, so it's fairer not to let anyone have it
Bus CXXIV
Louisa: What's that?
Scott: It's a list of stuff I own
Jack: Some sort of cheat sheet for burglars?
Scott: I'm selling it. See if there's anything you wanna buy.
Jack: What's an 'apple bag'?
Scott: Duh. A bag for putting apples in.
Jack: Well, what makes it an apple bag?
Scott: It's just a plastic bag for putting apples in
Jack: Like they give away free at the supermarket?
Scott: Pretty much
Jack: So why should I buy this one?
Scott: You probably shouldn't
Jack: Well, thanks for your honesty
Scott: No problem
Scott: It's a list of stuff I own
Jack: Some sort of cheat sheet for burglars?
Scott: I'm selling it. See if there's anything you wanna buy.
Jack: What's an 'apple bag'?
Scott: Duh. A bag for putting apples in.
Jack: Well, what makes it an apple bag?
Scott: It's just a plastic bag for putting apples in
Jack: Like they give away free at the supermarket?
Scott: Pretty much
Jack: So why should I buy this one?
Scott: You probably shouldn't
Jack: Well, thanks for your honesty
Scott: No problem
Bus CXXIII
Louisa: You know how they have obituaries in the Gazette for old students and staff?
Jack: Oh, those are real? Then why are they right next to the comic strips?
Louisa: I dunno. To cheer people up afterwards? Anyway, there's an award each year for the most gruesome death.
Jack: Do murders count?
Louisa: No, they learned that lesson. Accidental deaths only. Anyway, I was looking through the list of past winners earlier, and no less than seven of them were called Jack.
Jack: Well, how many winners have there been? Any Scotts?
Louisa: No Scotts. And no Louisas either. Which isn't a surprise, since I also found out there used to be a ban on any student here being called Louisa. Even if it was just your middle name.
Jack: How come?
Louisa: It's just one of those crazy old bye-laws. And unlike the bye-law about giving every student a gold bar at graduation, this one was rigidly enforced until a few years ago. I guess they heard I was coming.
Jack: Well, how did these seven Jacks die? Too much sex?
Louisa: Hot air balloon crashes. Ski-lift malfunctions. Wild dog attacks. As far as I can tell, the only unifying factor was no sex whatsoever.
Jack: All this really tells me is that people called Jack lead action-packed lives, while Louisas sit at home knitting scarves
Louisa: Look, I already said you don't have to wear it. Just thought you might appreciate some protection against the cold. Especially since one of those Jacks died at the North Pole. As did my cousin, so I know about these things.
Jack: Yeah, but the North Pole where your cousin died was a seafood restaurant
Louisa: Okay, but she still died of hypothermia. Whereas the Jack at the other North Pole died of alcohol poisoning. So who's the real hero?
Jack: I don't think anyone's coming out of this conversation a hero
Jack: Oh, those are real? Then why are they right next to the comic strips?
Louisa: I dunno. To cheer people up afterwards? Anyway, there's an award each year for the most gruesome death.
Jack: Do murders count?
Louisa: No, they learned that lesson. Accidental deaths only. Anyway, I was looking through the list of past winners earlier, and no less than seven of them were called Jack.
Jack: Well, how many winners have there been? Any Scotts?
Louisa: No Scotts. And no Louisas either. Which isn't a surprise, since I also found out there used to be a ban on any student here being called Louisa. Even if it was just your middle name.
Jack: How come?
Louisa: It's just one of those crazy old bye-laws. And unlike the bye-law about giving every student a gold bar at graduation, this one was rigidly enforced until a few years ago. I guess they heard I was coming.
Jack: Well, how did these seven Jacks die? Too much sex?
Louisa: Hot air balloon crashes. Ski-lift malfunctions. Wild dog attacks. As far as I can tell, the only unifying factor was no sex whatsoever.
Jack: All this really tells me is that people called Jack lead action-packed lives, while Louisas sit at home knitting scarves
Louisa: Look, I already said you don't have to wear it. Just thought you might appreciate some protection against the cold. Especially since one of those Jacks died at the North Pole. As did my cousin, so I know about these things.
Jack: Yeah, but the North Pole where your cousin died was a seafood restaurant
Louisa: Okay, but she still died of hypothermia. Whereas the Jack at the other North Pole died of alcohol poisoning. So who's the real hero?
Jack: I don't think anyone's coming out of this conversation a hero
Bus CXXII
Louisa: If you had a time machine, would you rather travel to the past or the future?
Jack: The future. I wanna prove that everything's getting worse.
Louisa: You need time travel for that?
Jack: Well, it's like how you don't notice someone's putting on weight if you see them every day. But if I could bring back solid evidence from the future, everyone would know I was right and I could finally rub it in their faces.
Louisa: I'd like to go back to the past
Jack: How come?
Louisa: I wanna find out how you got so screwed up
Jack: The future. I wanna prove that everything's getting worse.
Louisa: You need time travel for that?
Jack: Well, it's like how you don't notice someone's putting on weight if you see them every day. But if I could bring back solid evidence from the future, everyone would know I was right and I could finally rub it in their faces.
Louisa: I'd like to go back to the past
Jack: How come?
Louisa: I wanna find out how you got so screwed up
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