Bus XXVIII

Louisa: That donkey's coming in again tomorrow

Jack: What, the same donkey that turned on all the gas taps with its teeth?

Louisa: Yeah, and last week it broke into the PE block and ate all Willy Martin's clothes

Jack: Why the hell do they keep letting this demon donkey onto the grounds?

Louisa: Apparently the sanctuary insisted on a twenty-visit contract. They drive a hard bargain.

Bus XXVII

Louisa: Why're you on the late bus too?

Jack: Fell asleep in Art

Louisa: Oh, bad luck. Detention sucks.

Jack: Nah, nobody noticed so I just slept right through. Only woke up at all cos Mrs Fibonacci was coughing up blood so loudly in the sink.

Bus XXVI

Scott: Can we do something tonight? Just you and me?

Louisa: Are you asking me out?

Scott: No, I just don’t wanna stay in

Louisa: Cos of your mum being in that asylum?

Scott: Actually, I’m enjoying the place more without her. I reckon they should just give kids a house instead of parents. It’d be a much better system.

Louisa: Why not hang out with Jack?

Scott: No! He’s the problem!

Louisa: How come?

Scott: Ever since my mum left, he keeps randomly popping round. Says he doesn’t want me to feel lonely.

Bus XXV

Louisa: Guess who I saw delivering papers down Scott's road the other day

Jack: Jesus?

Louisa: Nope

Jack: Buddha?

Louisa: Nope

Jack: Muhammad?

Louisa: Nope, you’re in the wrong area entirely

Jack: Vishnu?

Louisa: Why would any of these people be delivering papers? The correct answer is Lizzie Rockford.

Jack: Oh. Why are you telling me this?

Louisa: Because something tells me you’ll be holding your nose to set foot in Scott’s flat more often from now on

Bus XXIV

Louisa: Oh wow, you got a laptop?

Jack: Nah, it’s my dad’s. I’m watching a movie on it.

Louisa: What movie?

Jack: I dunno, it’s just something he left in the tray. Started playing when I switched it on.

Louisa: Any good?

Jack: It’s alright. Bit gory.

Louisa: Budge up and let me watch too

Jack moves; Louisa stumbles awkwardly into the now-vacant seat

Louisa: Why’s that guy flying a helicopter upside down?

Jack: There’s some kind of magnet on the roof, pulling him down

Louisa: He’s gonna crash right into that baseball crowd

Jack: Nah, he’s turning on the turbo thrusters

Louisa: What are they?

Jack: I dunno, but the dentist mentioned them earlier

Louisa: The dentist?

Jack: He borrowed the helicopter from his dentist. They’re fighting this evil company who poisoned the President's dentures.

Louisa: So the President’s dead?

Jack: Nah, he hasn’t put them in his mouth yet...but he switches them over on the first day of every month...which is today...and the butler’s just started microwaving his morning curry

Louisa: The President has microwave curry for breakfast? What a stupid film.

Jack: Yeah, it is a bit crap

Both stare at the screen, transfixed

Bus XXIII

Louisa: Huge fight at the chess club last night

Jack: Anyone I know?

Louisa: Just some guys from Brooks Academy

Jack: I should start coming to the chess club again

Scott: One time my grandad spent ten days on a life-raft with another guy, waiting to be rescued, and all they did the whole time was play chess

Jack: He good then?

Scott: Only won one game

Jack: Better than none

Scott: Yeah, but it was only cos the other guy forfeited

Jack: Why’d he do that?

Scott: Grandad threatened to push him overboard

Jack: What a charming anecdote. I’ve never seen anyone beat Lou-Lou.

Scott: How’d you learn those skills?

Louisa: I used to eat this cereal that had chess tips on the back of the box. Loved that cereal.

Bus XXII

Jack: Wanna get an ice cream in town?

Louisa: Nah, I’d better not. Too expensive.

Jack: You sure?

Louisa: Yeah, I just wanna go home and cry

Jack: How come?

Louisa: It’s Ms Pappus. Every week she does these lame impressions of celebrities, and she gives you a detention if you don’t laugh.

Jack: That’s a shame. We’ve got Mr Thales. He’s pretty fun. Did a quiz last week.

Louisa: Oh man, that sounds great

Jack: Yeah, it was alright. My group would’ve won if it wasn’t for Scott.

Louisa: What did he do?

Jack: Shouted out that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. Before we’d even had time to confer.

Louisa: Who was he then?

Jack: He invented Communism!

Louisa: Oh. I’ve never been too sure what Communism is, to be honest.

Jack: It’s just this thing about how we’re all exploited by our bosses because we do all the work but they make all the money

Louisa: What’s so great about that? Anyone could think up that. Ronnie Phelps could think up that.

Jack: Ronnie Phelps can’t even tie his shoes. Anyway, there’s more. Marx said one day we’re all going to kill our bosses and share the money out equally.

Louisa: Wow, that sounds pretty good. I dunno if I could kill my boss though.

Jack: Well, you’re only part-time. The full-time workers will do the killing. You’ll just have to spit on the corpse or something.

Louisa: When’s this gonna happen then?

Jack: I dunno, but Marx said it’s inevitable, so we just have to sit around and wait

Louisa: I hope it doesn’t take too long

Jack: Well he predicted it, like, two hundred years ago

Louisa: Two hundred years ago? And it hasn’t happened yet? What if it never happens?

Jack: I’m sure it will eventually

Louisa: Yeah, in another two hundred years! God, I feel depressed now. I was all ready for this wonderful future and now it might not even happen.

Jack: Sorry

Louisa: It’s not your fault. Just this stupid world. Let’s get that ice cream after all.

Jack: What about the money?

Louisa: Ah, fuck the money. In fact, let’s get a whole tub. I need cheering up.

Bus XXI

Louisa: Your mum found a job yet?

Scott: Nope

Louisa: How’s she coping?

Scott: Well, she’s drinking a lot...

Louisa: Oh dear

Scott: And the other night she wanted to stick her head in the gas oven

Jack: You still have a gas oven?

Louisa: Oh my God! Did you talk her out of it?

Scott: No, but I was baking a pie...so she had to wait ‘til it was done. And by then that dancing show she likes had come on.

Louisa: Phew

Scott: So yeah, a happy ending

Bus XX

Louisa: So, I’m going to New York this summer

Jack: You already told us

Scott: Didn’t tell me

Louisa: It’ll be my first time on a plane

Scott: Oh no, don’t go by plane. They’re all gonna start crashing soon.

Louisa: What?

Scott: Yeah, I read this thing once about how the statistics say that way more planes should be crashing. Soon they’ll all be dropping out of the sky, to even it out.

Jack: That doesn’t sound right...

Scott: You can’t argue with statistics

Bus XIX

Jack: Unseasonably warm today, methinks

Louisa: 'Methinks'? You're not Hamlet.

Jack: Would that I were

Bus XVIII

Jack: The Model UN’s on Friday, right?

Louisa: Thursday. They’ve moved it forward cos of Mr Hilbert’s haemorrhoids.

Jack: Oh really? That’s annoying. Less time to prepare.

Louisa: Gives us an excuse if it all goes wrong though

Jack: I suppose. You got a country now?

Louisa: China

Jack: Wow, that’s an interesting one! Much better than Bolivia. What’s your game plan?

Louisa: Long debates on shoemaking

Jack: Shoemaking?

Louisa: Well, I read this book on Chinese shoemaking once. So I know loads about it. And I figure it’s better to concentrate on one topic in depth than try to cover everything.

Jack: All the same...shoemaking? Why would the UN talk about shoemaking?

Louisa: I dunno, maybe I’m exporting them

Jack: Well, what if somebody wants to raise another issue with you?

Louisa: I’ll keep saying that I’m not willing to discuss anything else until after the shoemaking. By the time I finish everyone’ll just want to go home.

Bus XVII

Louisa: How’d it go with the psychiatrist?

Jack: Well...it turns out Flora Flinton’s a real person

Louisa: What, really? All this time?

Jack: No, that’s the weirdest part. I mean, what are the chances she'd meet a girl with the exact same name as her imaginary friend?

Scott: I used to have an imaginary cat

Jack: What was its name?

Scott: ‘Cat’. Just ‘Cat’.

Bus XVI

Jack: My folks are taking Jane to a psychiatrist tomorrow

Louisa: Why?

Jack: Because she’s obsessed with her imaginary friend

Louisa: Oh, I had one of those! Mia Walensa.

Jack: Interesting name

Louisa: Yeah, that was during my Polish phase. I’d make everyone sing the Polish national anthem before meals - so she'd feel welcome.

Jack: You must have a very patient family

Louisa: Oh, it wasn’t only family. Just be glad I went to an All Girls’ Primary.

Jack: Well Jane’s seven now and she still talks about Flora Flinton constantly. How long did you keep on to yours?

Louisa: I murdered her when I was six

Jack: Murdered her?!

Louisa: Yeah, I pushed her in front of a car. She was such a haughty little bitch. Always fluttering her eyelashes at the boys. Had it coming.

Bus XV

Louisa: Saw you in town Sunday

Scott: Oh yeah?

Louisa: With your mum. Carrying a bowl of something.

Scott: That was soup for Old Pete. He’s this homeless guy we visit sometimes.

Louisa: Wow, that’s nice

Scott: Well, he's an old friend of my dad’s. Used to give him stock tips.

Louisa: Your dad took stock tips from a homeless guy?

Scott: He's an expert. Reads all the business pages. Fishes them out of bins.

Jack: Didn’t your dad go bankrupt and flee the country?

Scott: Yeah, but that was cos he started listening to his broker instead of Old Pete

Bus XIV

Louisa: Why are you wearing a hat?

Jack: It’s a thinking cap. Finally I can unleash my long-dormant creative powers.

Louisa: You’re not gonna start singing again, are you?

Jack: Who knows where the muse will take me? Perhaps I’ll write a symphony. Or a novel.

Louisa: Sounds more like a self-delusion cap

Jack: Do you enjoy tearing down people’s hopes and dreams?

Louisa: Only yours

Bus XIII

Jack: Do you prefer big bags of crisps or multi-pack bags?

Louisa: Why’s the driver turning here?

Scott: What’re multi-pack bags?

Jack: You know, ones with lots of little bags in them

Louisa: Guys, I think we’re on the wrong bus

Scott: They sell bags with lots of little bags inside?

Jack: You’ve never seen those?

Louisa: We’d better get off at the next stop

Scott: Nope. I'm not that big on crisps. Prefer nuts.

Louisa: Guys, we’d better get off here!

Jack: Meh, we only just got on

Scott: Yeah, I'd rather wait this one out

Bus XII

Louisa: Where's Scott this morning?

Jack: He got off cos that couple up front kept kissing. Said it offended him.

Louisa: Offended him?

Jack: Yeah, said he'd rather walk than sit idly by while young children are corrupted.

Louisa: Wow, I never realised he was so prudish. Or so eloquent.

Jack: Yeah, he gets very upset about all the swearing on children's television too

Louisa: Swearing? They don't swear on children's television, do they?

Jack: I dunno, I only watch the adult shows

Louisa: Same here. Why do they even make children's shows?

Jack: Lets the adults feel nostalgic

Bus XI

Jack: Let's get a hot dog in town

Scott: Can't. Gotta visit my mum in the hospital.

Louisa: God, is she okay?

Scott: Just a burn

Louisa: Well...I hope she gets better soon

Scott: Thanks

Louisa: She found a new job yet?

Scott: 'Fraid not

Louisa: Ah, that sucks

Scott: Yeah, it's getting kinda tough. Last week we had to choose between lightbulbs or cocoa.

Bus X

Scott: Lend us a tenner, will you?

Jack: Lent you twenty last week!

Scott: I know, but I’ve already spent it and I need more. Vital purchases.

Jack: Porn subscriptions aren’t vital purchases

Louisa: Ew, I dread to think what you get off on

Scott: Can’t help it if I have needs. C’mon, you know I always pay you back.

Jack: Make your own porn or something

Scott: I don’t know any fit girls

Louisa: Thanks

Scott: Well, would you do porn?

Louisa: Degrading myself for money? No, thanks.

Jack: Yeah, it’s a bit nasty. Would you, Scott?

Scott: I’m all for degradation, but porn’s so commercial these days. Men in suits demanding extra takes. It’s not for me.

Bus IX

Louisa: Where’s Scott today?

Jack: Home ill

Louisa: Oh

Jack: Yep

Louisa: Good riddance to him, I say

Jack: Ditto

Louisa: Anything funny in the news lately?

Jack: Not really. Just political stuff.

Louisa: Oh

Jack: Yep

Louisa: I wonder what Scott’s doing

Jack: Wanna phone him?

Louisa: No, better not. He might be asleep.

Jack: Oh

Louisa: Yep

Bus VIII

Louisa: I don't think she was even wearing one today

Jack: This again? Is nothing sacred anymore?

Scott: She was definitely wearing it in History - Duncan O'Malley clocked it. Blue - just like yesterday.

Jack: Duncan's colourblind

Louisa: A-ha!

Scott: You sure?

Jack: I administered the test myself

Louisa: Anyway, she could easily have a pack of blue ones.

Scott: A pack of blue ones? Yeah, that's likely.

Louisa: Why can't you just face the fact this girl has multiple bras?

Scott: I'll believe it when I see it

Jack: I think we're all hoping it doesn't come to that

Louisa: There's no pattern!

Scott: What about the Alternate Thursdays Dossier?

Louisa: Have you even read the findings? Inconclusive.

Scott: What we need is a spy. In her house.

Louisa: Doesn't she have a brother?

Scott: Yeah, but he's older

Louisa: Only a couple of years! And every brother has his price!

Jack: If only you'd put this much time and effort into our Maths Project

Bus VII

Louisa: Why weren't you in Biology?

Scott: I was

Louisa: No, you weren't. I'd have seen you.

Scott: You did see me. Even said hello.

Louisa: Oh c'mon, I'd have remembered that!

Scott: You'd think so...but apparently not

Louisa: Where was he, Jack?

Jack: No idea. I'm not his keeper, y'know.

Scott: You seriously don't remember?

Louisa: No!

Scott: We discussed Fiona Preston's bra...

Louisa: She wasn't in today!

Scott: I know, thats what we discussed. Her absence...and whether it was bra-related.

Jack: Why would it be bra-related?

Louisa: Well, everyone says she only has one bra...

Scott: ...so the days she has off must be her laundry days

Louisa: They aren't - there's no pattern.

Jack: Couldn't her laundry day just be at the weekend?

Louisa: Here's my stop. I know you're lying to me! You were not in Biology!

Jack: Where else could he have been? You know he's not a toilet hider.

Louisa: True, he wouldn't be caught dead near a toilet. Later, losers.

Exit Louisa

Jack: So where were you really?

Scott: Counselling

Jack: Oh! Still on Truthfulness?

Scott: Yep