Jack: What’s even the point of Christmas?
Louisa: A chance to show people you care about them
Jack: I was expecting a speech about baby Jesus
Louisa: We've always held winter festivals. It’s about social bonding.
Jack: I just think it’s stupid that everyone rushes around buying presents for a random date somebody chose centuries ago
Louisa: It’s as good a date as any
Jack: But if everyone cares so much about social bonding, shouldn’t they buy each other presents when they actually need them? My parents got a case of wine for my uncle last year, then by March he’d lost his job and been evicted from his house. That’s when he needed a gift, but my parents were too busy paying off pointless wine debts from December.
Louisa: Thank God you’re here to overthrow the tyranny of Christmas
Bus LXXXI
Scott: My mum wants me to get an English tutor
Jack: Oh yeah?
Scott: A guy came round the ward and gave her this flyer. Here, read it.
Jack: ‘Does your babies needs help with English?’
Scott: I meant the bit about ‘low, low prices’
Jack: Oh yeah?
Scott: A guy came round the ward and gave her this flyer. Here, read it.
Jack: ‘Does your babies needs help with English?’
Scott: I meant the bit about ‘low, low prices’
Bus LXXX
Louisa: I love this book we’re reading in English Lit. It’s about a slave who wants to rebel against her master, but the other slaves say ‘It’s a sin to rebel. These few years of suffering will be rewarded in Heaven’, so she never does.
Jack: Sounds preachy
Louisa: Are you even listening? It’s an anti-religious book.
Jack: Then why d’you like it?
Louisa: Cos I’m not deluded. I know people have used God to justify all sorts of nasty shit.
Jack: Your class discussions must be a hoot
Louisa: Not really. Miss Daniels won't let me contribute anymore.
Jack: How come?
Louisa: She didn't like the way I kept drawing comparisons between the slaves and the students
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: Well, we both have to do a load of work we aren’t paid for. And if our masters decide we aren’t working hard enough, we get punished. So I said, what’s the difference? Why shouldn’t we rebel like the slaves?
Jack: What did Daniels say to that?
Louisa: She said these few years of suffering will be rewarded with a good job
Jack: Sounds preachy
Louisa: Are you even listening? It’s an anti-religious book.
Jack: Then why d’you like it?
Louisa: Cos I’m not deluded. I know people have used God to justify all sorts of nasty shit.
Jack: Your class discussions must be a hoot
Louisa: Not really. Miss Daniels won't let me contribute anymore.
Jack: How come?
Louisa: She didn't like the way I kept drawing comparisons between the slaves and the students
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: Well, we both have to do a load of work we aren’t paid for. And if our masters decide we aren’t working hard enough, we get punished. So I said, what’s the difference? Why shouldn’t we rebel like the slaves?
Jack: What did Daniels say to that?
Louisa: She said these few years of suffering will be rewarded with a good job
Bus LXXIX
Scott: Saw my mum last night
Louisa: How is she?
Scott: Better, I think. But her new doctor’s kinda cranky.
Louisa: Why's that?
Scott: Well, he has all these rules, like you’re not allowed to wear shoes in his office. And then he started shouting at me when I left the door open, cos he could still see the shoes in the doorway.
Louisa: Why’d you leave the door open?
Scott: Cos of the smell. His office stinks of petrol. He said it’s to ‘ward off evil spirits’.
Louisa: I’m not sure I’d want this guy looking after my mother
Scott: He knows a lot about mental illness though
Louisa: How is she?
Scott: Better, I think. But her new doctor’s kinda cranky.
Louisa: Why's that?
Scott: Well, he has all these rules, like you’re not allowed to wear shoes in his office. And then he started shouting at me when I left the door open, cos he could still see the shoes in the doorway.
Louisa: Why’d you leave the door open?
Scott: Cos of the smell. His office stinks of petrol. He said it’s to ‘ward off evil spirits’.
Louisa: I’m not sure I’d want this guy looking after my mother
Scott: He knows a lot about mental illness though
Bus LXXVIII
Jack: The Head’s really taking some heat for this marijuana thing
Louisa: Good. It’s about time someone dented her ego.
Jack: How was she to know that Bryce was handing out pro-drug propaganda?
Louisa: It wasn’t propaganda. He was just showing both sides of the issue.
Jack: He was telling kids that drugs should be legal. Not only marijuana. Cocaine, heroin...you name it.
Louisa: So what? Why shouldn’t we legalise them all?
Jack: Cos they harm loads of people
Louisa: So if something’s causing harm, you criminalise the people being harmed?
Jack: They aren’t the only people being harmed. People get robbed by druggies. Or don’t want to leave their homes cos of the gangs outside.
Louisa: All that would end if they were legal. There’d be no violence or extortion. It’d just be a business.
Jack: It’s the principle though. Society would be fucked if drugs were legal.
Louisa: And it’s in such a great state already? What about all those robberies and gangs you just mentioned? You can’t have it both ways.
Jack: You don’t understand the complex issues involved
Louisa: If drugs were legal, they could be taxed. Think how much money that would bring in. And also the police would save money cos they wouldn’t have to be chasing up drug offences anymore. All that extra money could be spent on encouraging stuff like rehab and clean needles. At this point, it’s the only way forward.
Jack: I really thought you were too smart to be taken in by propaganda. I mean, we’ve had so many anti-drug assemblies.
Louisa: Good. It’s about time someone dented her ego.
Jack: How was she to know that Bryce was handing out pro-drug propaganda?
Louisa: It wasn’t propaganda. He was just showing both sides of the issue.
Jack: He was telling kids that drugs should be legal. Not only marijuana. Cocaine, heroin...you name it.
Louisa: So what? Why shouldn’t we legalise them all?
Jack: Cos they harm loads of people
Louisa: So if something’s causing harm, you criminalise the people being harmed?
Jack: They aren’t the only people being harmed. People get robbed by druggies. Or don’t want to leave their homes cos of the gangs outside.
Louisa: All that would end if they were legal. There’d be no violence or extortion. It’d just be a business.
Jack: It’s the principle though. Society would be fucked if drugs were legal.
Louisa: And it’s in such a great state already? What about all those robberies and gangs you just mentioned? You can’t have it both ways.
Jack: You don’t understand the complex issues involved
Louisa: If drugs were legal, they could be taxed. Think how much money that would bring in. And also the police would save money cos they wouldn’t have to be chasing up drug offences anymore. All that extra money could be spent on encouraging stuff like rehab and clean needles. At this point, it’s the only way forward.
Jack: I really thought you were too smart to be taken in by propaganda. I mean, we’ve had so many anti-drug assemblies.
Bus LXXVII
Jack: Hey, did you see this in the School Gazette? About Mr Bryce getting sacked?
Louisa: Another sacking? Why this time?
Jack: Apparently they found marijuana in the staff room toilets, just after he’d been in there
Louisa: Doesn’t prove it was his
Jack: And in his desk
Louisa: Anyone could have planted it there
Jack: And in his pockets
Louisa: Pickpockets. If they can take it out, they can put it in.
Jack: And under his hat
Louisa: Oh
Louisa: Another sacking? Why this time?
Jack: Apparently they found marijuana in the staff room toilets, just after he’d been in there
Louisa: Doesn’t prove it was his
Jack: And in his desk
Louisa: Anyone could have planted it there
Jack: And in his pockets
Louisa: Pickpockets. If they can take it out, they can put it in.
Jack: And under his hat
Louisa: Oh
Bus LXXVI
Jack: Did you hear the Council’s sacked the Safety Man?
Louisa: Who?
Jack: That guy who’d come round all the schools every year and talk about road safety
Louisa: Him? But he was really good. I literally never cross the road without looking both ways now.
Jack: Well, exactly. Scott’s the only student who’s been knocked down in the past five years, so they don’t see the need anymore.
Louisa: Doesn’t seem fair somehow, does it
Louisa: Who?
Jack: That guy who’d come round all the schools every year and talk about road safety
Louisa: Him? But he was really good. I literally never cross the road without looking both ways now.
Jack: Well, exactly. Scott’s the only student who’s been knocked down in the past five years, so they don’t see the need anymore.
Louisa: Doesn’t seem fair somehow, does it
Bus LXXV
Scott: What’s that leaflet?
Louisa: It’s about the Theme Weeks. Didn’t you get one?
Scott: I had to take Ronnie Phelps to the office. He tripped over his shoelaces again.
Louisa: Well, Bread Week starts today. If we’re good, we’ll have a baking class on Friday. And then next week is Circus Week.
Scott: I don’t care about them. When’s Fun Week? I heard there was a Fun Week.
Louisa: That was last week
Scott: But they only told us about them today
Louisa: Yeah, apparently there was some delay printing the leaflets
Jack: They were probably having too much fun
Louisa: It’s about the Theme Weeks. Didn’t you get one?
Scott: I had to take Ronnie Phelps to the office. He tripped over his shoelaces again.
Louisa: Well, Bread Week starts today. If we’re good, we’ll have a baking class on Friday. And then next week is Circus Week.
Scott: I don’t care about them. When’s Fun Week? I heard there was a Fun Week.
Louisa: That was last week
Scott: But they only told us about them today
Louisa: Yeah, apparently there was some delay printing the leaflets
Jack: They were probably having too much fun
Bus LXXIV
Louisa: Nice hat
Scott: Thanks
Louisa: Can I try it on?
Scott: Sure
Louisa: Argh, too tight
Scott: It’s ‘one size fits all’
Louisa: Great. Even the hats think I’m a freak.
Scott: Thanks
Louisa: Can I try it on?
Scott: Sure
Louisa: Argh, too tight
Scott: It’s ‘one size fits all’
Louisa: Great. Even the hats think I’m a freak.
Bus LXXIII
Jack: What’s up?
Louisa: Marcia Wallace laughed at my bag. Why’ve people got to be so fucking nasty?
Jack: Let me tell you a story
Louisa: I don’t want a story
Jack: Well, tough, cos I’m gonna tell it anyway. I knew this kid once, right, who’d come in every day to tutorial and his friends would all laugh at him.
Louisa: Why?
Jack: Well, that’s what he kept wondering too. And he couldn’t ask, cos then they’d know he was bothered by it. So one weekend he figured it must be his hair –and he did have bad hair - so he went to a really stylish barber.
Louisa: Did it work?
Jack: Nope, on Monday his friends laughed even harder. So the next weekend he figured maybe it was this baggy coat he always wore.
Scott: Baggy can be cool
Jack: This was, like, homeless baggy
Scott: Ah, okay
Jack: So he got a new jacket, but come Monday they were still laughing. Then it was his shoes, and contact lenses instead of glasses. You get the idea. None of it worked.
Louisa: Harsh
Jack: Yeah, well, I don’t make the rules. But eventually he just gave up and asked, ‘Why’d you keep laughing at me?’
Louisa: This is my stop
Jack: Don’t you wanna hear the end?
Louisa shrugs and exits
Scott: I do. What’d they say?
Jack: They said, ‘It’s that look you get on your face, when you know we’re about to laugh at you.’
Louisa: Marcia Wallace laughed at my bag. Why’ve people got to be so fucking nasty?
Jack: Let me tell you a story
Louisa: I don’t want a story
Jack: Well, tough, cos I’m gonna tell it anyway. I knew this kid once, right, who’d come in every day to tutorial and his friends would all laugh at him.
Louisa: Why?
Jack: Well, that’s what he kept wondering too. And he couldn’t ask, cos then they’d know he was bothered by it. So one weekend he figured it must be his hair –and he did have bad hair - so he went to a really stylish barber.
Louisa: Did it work?
Jack: Nope, on Monday his friends laughed even harder. So the next weekend he figured maybe it was this baggy coat he always wore.
Scott: Baggy can be cool
Jack: This was, like, homeless baggy
Scott: Ah, okay
Jack: So he got a new jacket, but come Monday they were still laughing. Then it was his shoes, and contact lenses instead of glasses. You get the idea. None of it worked.
Louisa: Harsh
Jack: Yeah, well, I don’t make the rules. But eventually he just gave up and asked, ‘Why’d you keep laughing at me?’
Louisa: This is my stop
Jack: Don’t you wanna hear the end?
Louisa shrugs and exits
Scott: I do. What’d they say?
Jack: They said, ‘It’s that look you get on your face, when you know we’re about to laugh at you.’
Bus LXXI
Scott: What’s that form?
Louisa: School Council elections
Scott: Did you get me one?
Louisa: Couldn’t. Only the Gifted kids are allowed to vote.
Scott: Why? I wanted to vote for the recycling people.
Jack: I guess they felt we’re the only ones who’ll put enough thought into our choice
Louisa: And yet the ballot has three spelling mistakes on it
Jack: That’s probably part of the test. They only count your vote if you write a little note to complain about the spelling mistakes.
Louisa: Why are there so many candidates? I don’t wanna read all this.
Jack: I might just vote for the Smarties. They promise to make sure teachers concentrate on the top students.
Louisa: Like we need another distraction from the learning process. How about the Own-Learners? They want kids to be left alone ‘unless we specifically ask for help’.
Jack: Then what are my parents’ taxes even paying for? A babysitter?
Louisa: Aren’t any of the parties interested in disadvantaged kids?
Jack: Only the one that wants them herded into camps
Louisa: Well, let’s just vote for that guy at the top. He’s got a nice smile.
Jack: I’d rather vote for someone who isn't smiling. At least that way I’ll be certain they’d take the job seriously.
Louisa: Either that, or they’re evil and not afraid to show it
Jack: This is too difficult. Let’s not vote at all.
Louisa: Yeah, it’s not as if our votes really count anyway
Louisa: School Council elections
Scott: Did you get me one?
Louisa: Couldn’t. Only the Gifted kids are allowed to vote.
Scott: Why? I wanted to vote for the recycling people.
Jack: I guess they felt we’re the only ones who’ll put enough thought into our choice
Louisa: And yet the ballot has three spelling mistakes on it
Jack: That’s probably part of the test. They only count your vote if you write a little note to complain about the spelling mistakes.
Louisa: Why are there so many candidates? I don’t wanna read all this.
Jack: I might just vote for the Smarties. They promise to make sure teachers concentrate on the top students.
Louisa: Like we need another distraction from the learning process. How about the Own-Learners? They want kids to be left alone ‘unless we specifically ask for help’.
Jack: Then what are my parents’ taxes even paying for? A babysitter?
Louisa: Aren’t any of the parties interested in disadvantaged kids?
Jack: Only the one that wants them herded into camps
Louisa: Well, let’s just vote for that guy at the top. He’s got a nice smile.
Jack: I’d rather vote for someone who isn't smiling. At least that way I’ll be certain they’d take the job seriously.
Louisa: Either that, or they’re evil and not afraid to show it
Jack: This is too difficult. Let’s not vote at all.
Louisa: Yeah, it’s not as if our votes really count anyway
Bus LXXII
Jack: Cinema tonight?
Louisa: Why can’t you ever give me advance warning? I’m working at the soup kitchen tonight.
Jack: Hobo sex, huh? I guess it’s better than none at all.
Louisa: I like to do something nice for someone else once in a while
Jack: Then I guess it’d give you a deep sense of spiritual fulfilment to come clean my house?
Louisa: Why can’t you ever give me advance warning? I’m working at the soup kitchen tonight.
Jack: Hobo sex, huh? I guess it’s better than none at all.
Louisa: I like to do something nice for someone else once in a while
Jack: Then I guess it’d give you a deep sense of spiritual fulfilment to come clean my house?
Bus LXX
Scott: Can I steal a quote?
Jack: Do your own homework
Scott: All you did was Google them
Jack: Not my fault you can’t afford Internet
Louisa: Have one of mine, Scott
Scott: Thanks. Read it out?
Louisa: ''I am not young enough to know everything'' - Oscar Wilde
Jack: You gave him Oscar Wilde for nothing? Last week you wouldn’t swap grapes for a yo-yo.
Louisa: I don’t like yo-yos
Scott: What does it mean? I might get asked.
Louisa: He’s saying older people are more aware of their limitations
Jack: If they were truly aware, they wouldn’t be arrogant enough to mouth off about young people like that
Louisa: You mouth off about young people all the time
Jack: I am young. The quote protects me.
Louisa: Adults are obviously smarter than us. They have more experience.
Jack: They tell us they’re smarter, so we believe them...cos they told us they were smarter
Louisa: So you think we're smarter than adults?
Jack: I think only people who've been both are entitled to decide
Louisa: Exactly
Jack: But once people get old, they stay old. They’re never young again.
Louisa: Your point?
Jack: So they aren't impartial. They have a vested interest in saying older means smarter, and they know we can’t contradict them cos we aren't old yet. It’s a huge conspiracy.
Jack: Do your own homework
Scott: All you did was Google them
Jack: Not my fault you can’t afford Internet
Louisa: Have one of mine, Scott
Scott: Thanks. Read it out?
Louisa: ''I am not young enough to know everything'' - Oscar Wilde
Jack: You gave him Oscar Wilde for nothing? Last week you wouldn’t swap grapes for a yo-yo.
Louisa: I don’t like yo-yos
Scott: What does it mean? I might get asked.
Louisa: He’s saying older people are more aware of their limitations
Jack: If they were truly aware, they wouldn’t be arrogant enough to mouth off about young people like that
Louisa: You mouth off about young people all the time
Jack: I am young. The quote protects me.
Louisa: Adults are obviously smarter than us. They have more experience.
Jack: They tell us they’re smarter, so we believe them...cos they told us they were smarter
Louisa: So you think we're smarter than adults?
Jack: I think only people who've been both are entitled to decide
Louisa: Exactly
Jack: But once people get old, they stay old. They’re never young again.
Louisa: Your point?
Jack: So they aren't impartial. They have a vested interest in saying older means smarter, and they know we can’t contradict them cos we aren't old yet. It’s a huge conspiracy.
Bus LXIX
Louisa: What’s your favourite song?
Jack: I dunno
Louisa: C’mon, you must have some idea
Jack: I don’t want to say
Louisa: Why?
Jack: Cos you’re gonna use that magazine quiz to classify me by what type of song I say
Louisa: That’s right. Just say the first song that comes into your head.
Jack: ‘Happy Birthday to You’
Louisa: Wow, you must really like wishing people Happy Birthday
Jack: Maybe I just like the melody. But no, it’s the first song that came into my head cos we were singing it to Eddie Mangum in Geography.
Louisa: Okay, what’s the second song that comes into your head?
Jack: ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’
Louisa: But you don’t like Christmas either. This doesn’t make any sense.
Jack: On reflection, I think I’ll walk home
Jack: I dunno
Louisa: C’mon, you must have some idea
Jack: I don’t want to say
Louisa: Why?
Jack: Cos you’re gonna use that magazine quiz to classify me by what type of song I say
Louisa: That’s right. Just say the first song that comes into your head.
Jack: ‘Happy Birthday to You’
Louisa: Wow, you must really like wishing people Happy Birthday
Jack: Maybe I just like the melody. But no, it’s the first song that came into my head cos we were singing it to Eddie Mangum in Geography.
Louisa: Okay, what’s the second song that comes into your head?
Jack: ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’
Louisa: But you don’t like Christmas either. This doesn’t make any sense.
Jack: On reflection, I think I’ll walk home
Bus LXVII
Scott: Did you see that new sitcom last night?
Jack: About the PM trying different jobs? Yeah, it was pretty funny.
Louisa: Isn’t ‘Prime Minister’ supposed to be his job?
Jack: Well, they were debating how much money they should give farmers, so he went and worked on a farm, to see what it’s like
Scott: Then at the end he said ‘Maybe I’ll try this again next week’, and winked
Louisa: What did he decide about the farmers?
Jack: Didn’t give ‘em anything
Louisa: Harsh
Scott: It was only cos they played a prank on him. Took away the step-ladder so he fell in a tub of pig shit.
Louisa: Why were they collecting pig shit in a tub?
Jack: Who cares when it’s funny?
Scott: Yeah, you’ve gotta love political comedy
Jack: About the PM trying different jobs? Yeah, it was pretty funny.
Louisa: Isn’t ‘Prime Minister’ supposed to be his job?
Jack: Well, they were debating how much money they should give farmers, so he went and worked on a farm, to see what it’s like
Scott: Then at the end he said ‘Maybe I’ll try this again next week’, and winked
Louisa: What did he decide about the farmers?
Jack: Didn’t give ‘em anything
Louisa: Harsh
Scott: It was only cos they played a prank on him. Took away the step-ladder so he fell in a tub of pig shit.
Louisa: Why were they collecting pig shit in a tub?
Jack: Who cares when it’s funny?
Scott: Yeah, you’ve gotta love political comedy
Bus LXVIII
Louisa: Ever feel like you’re just going through the motions, instead of really living?
Jack: Only when I’m with you
Louisa: Wow, that was almost funny
Jack: I take comfort in knowing everyone else is wasting their life too. That, and muttering ''Fuck you, God'' under my breath.
Louisa: God isn’t the cause of your malaise
Jack: Of course not. He doesn’t exist.
Scott: Please don’t talk about God again. You did that already.
Jack: If only R.E. teachers followed the same logic...
Jack: Only when I’m with you
Louisa: Wow, that was almost funny
Jack: I take comfort in knowing everyone else is wasting their life too. That, and muttering ''Fuck you, God'' under my breath.
Louisa: God isn’t the cause of your malaise
Jack: Of course not. He doesn’t exist.
Scott: Please don’t talk about God again. You did that already.
Jack: If only R.E. teachers followed the same logic...
Bus LXVI
Louisa: You really love her, huh?
Jack: Who?
Louisa: Lizzie. You keep staring at the sandwich wrapper she left on the kerb.
Jack: Promise not to laugh? When I think about her being with anyone else, I get this empty feeling in my chest. I can’t bear it.
Louisa (sympathetically): Maybe it’s just a heart attack
Jack: Who?
Louisa: Lizzie. You keep staring at the sandwich wrapper she left on the kerb.
Jack: Promise not to laugh? When I think about her being with anyone else, I get this empty feeling in my chest. I can’t bear it.
Louisa (sympathetically): Maybe it’s just a heart attack
Bus LXV
Louisa: Anything happen in assembly?
Jack: I was chosen as ‘Gifted’
Louisa: What’s that mean?
Jack: Get to go on special trips and stuff
Louisa: I hate that. We’ll be segregated soon enough in the real world – can’t we at least be equal in school?
Jack: You were chosen too
Louisa (proudly): Who, me?
Jack: I was chosen as ‘Gifted’
Louisa: What’s that mean?
Jack: Get to go on special trips and stuff
Louisa: I hate that. We’ll be segregated soon enough in the real world – can’t we at least be equal in school?
Jack: You were chosen too
Louisa (proudly): Who, me?
Bus LXIII
Jack: Doesn’t it kinda get you down that we scramble for the backseat every day, twice a day, like a pack of dogs? I mean, is it worth the hassle? It’s just a seat.
Louisa: Everyone wants the backseat. If they all want it, there must be something good about it...so we should want it too.
Jack: We can’t tell what we want by ourselves?
Louisa: Hell, no
Louisa: Everyone wants the backseat. If they all want it, there must be something good about it...so we should want it too.
Jack: We can’t tell what we want by ourselves?
Louisa: Hell, no
Bus LXIV
Louisa: I’m doing a project on the Moon landing
Jack: Clearly a hoax
Scott: Tell me about it. A piece of rock that floats round us in a circle? How dumb do they think we are?
Louisa: It wasn’t a hoax
Jack: Of course you think that. You’d rather believe the official story than your own eyes, cos your own eyes make you feel scared and alone.
Louisa: And you’d rather believe some cranky website, cos not looking other people in the eye makes you feel special and unique
Jack: Clearly a hoax
Scott: Tell me about it. A piece of rock that floats round us in a circle? How dumb do they think we are?
Louisa: It wasn’t a hoax
Jack: Of course you think that. You’d rather believe the official story than your own eyes, cos your own eyes make you feel scared and alone.
Louisa: And you’d rather believe some cranky website, cos not looking other people in the eye makes you feel special and unique
Bus LXII
Jack: They’re switching on the Mr Gogol Memorial Fountain tomorrow lunchtime
Louisa: So there’ll be no queue in the canteen? Score.
Jack: I thought perhaps you might want to pay your respects
Louisa: Pay my respects? Only time he spoke to me was to complain about my shoes being dirty.
Scott: Hey, remember that time his trousers fell down in assembly?
Louisa: Ha ha, yeah. Classic.
Jack (wiping away a tear): He was a true British hero
Louisa: So there’ll be no queue in the canteen? Score.
Jack: I thought perhaps you might want to pay your respects
Louisa: Pay my respects? Only time he spoke to me was to complain about my shoes being dirty.
Scott: Hey, remember that time his trousers fell down in assembly?
Louisa: Ha ha, yeah. Classic.
Jack (wiping away a tear): He was a true British hero
Bus LXI
Scott: How was New York?
Louisa: Brilliant. It felt like my reward for all those years of depressing caravan holidays.
Scott: Me and Em are saving up for a caravan holiday. We both put a tenner in the jar whenever we’re paid.
Louisa: Good for you. Here, have a pound on me.
Scott: Thanks, Lou. We got sick of being the only kids who always stay home. Sometimes it feels like there’s a warehouse full of cash and we’re the only ones who don’t know about it.
Jack: You don’t know about the warehouse full of cash?
Louisa: Brilliant. It felt like my reward for all those years of depressing caravan holidays.
Scott: Me and Em are saving up for a caravan holiday. We both put a tenner in the jar whenever we’re paid.
Louisa: Good for you. Here, have a pound on me.
Scott: Thanks, Lou. We got sick of being the only kids who always stay home. Sometimes it feels like there’s a warehouse full of cash and we’re the only ones who don’t know about it.
Jack: You don’t know about the warehouse full of cash?
Bus LX
Louisa: Another year begins
Jack: I need to start taking the first day off. That way I’d skip the anecdotes. Last year Kurt Goldberg spent an hour telling me how he’d entered his dog into all these contests, and the dog never won even though his granny was one of the judges. Turned out she kept voting for the wrong dog.
Louisa: Anecdotes can be fun if you like the person
Jack: Yeah, but how often does that happen?
Jack: I need to start taking the first day off. That way I’d skip the anecdotes. Last year Kurt Goldberg spent an hour telling me how he’d entered his dog into all these contests, and the dog never won even though his granny was one of the judges. Turned out she kept voting for the wrong dog.
Louisa: Anecdotes can be fun if you like the person
Jack: Yeah, but how often does that happen?
Bus LIX
Jack: So what d'you think of the new headteacher?
Louisa: Bitch. All she wants to do is save money.
Jack: I feel she’s making some necessary savings
Louisa: You would
Jack: Why do we need two History of Art departments? Most schools don’t have one.
Louisa: They offer competing views. What sort of education would it be if we only ever got one view from one person?
Jack: An affordable education? And don’t even get me started on the ghost-hunting trips.
Louisa: Those were the best trips ever
Jack: Benny Rousseau is still in the asylum. He plays solitaire with Scott’s mum.
Louisa: There’s a two-person solitaire?
Jack: They take turns
Louisa: I can't remember the last time we didn’t know at least one person who was in the asylum. What happened?
Jack: I think we just knew less people before
Louisa: Bitch. All she wants to do is save money.
Jack: I feel she’s making some necessary savings
Louisa: You would
Jack: Why do we need two History of Art departments? Most schools don’t have one.
Louisa: They offer competing views. What sort of education would it be if we only ever got one view from one person?
Jack: An affordable education? And don’t even get me started on the ghost-hunting trips.
Louisa: Those were the best trips ever
Jack: Benny Rousseau is still in the asylum. He plays solitaire with Scott’s mum.
Louisa: There’s a two-person solitaire?
Jack: They take turns
Louisa: I can't remember the last time we didn’t know at least one person who was in the asylum. What happened?
Jack: I think we just knew less people before
Bus LVIII
Scott: My sister’s eighteen today
Louisa: I thought she was already your legal guardian?
Scott: Fake ID
Louisa: It’ll be nice when we can all go down the pub together
Jack: Oh, I won’t be drinking socially
Louisa: Why's that?
Jack: If I’m with good people, why do I need to drug myself? And if I’m with bad people, why aren’t I spending some quality time at home with the drink instead?
Louisa: I thought she was already your legal guardian?
Scott: Fake ID
Louisa: It’ll be nice when we can all go down the pub together
Jack: Oh, I won’t be drinking socially
Louisa: Why's that?
Jack: If I’m with good people, why do I need to drug myself? And if I’m with bad people, why aren’t I spending some quality time at home with the drink instead?
Bus LVII
Louisa: How’s the musical coming along?
Jack: Pretty well
Louisa: What’s the story?
Jack: It all starts off with this girl whose microwave breaks, and she’s despairing...when suddenly her oven starts singing to her. Telling her about all the exciting things you can do with an oven, and how microwaves are just for lazy people anyway.
Louisa: Elitist
Jack: I write what I know
Louisa: Wasn’t the musical meant to be more realistic this year? After ‘Moon Nuns’.
Jack: Pretty well
Louisa: What’s the story?
Jack: It all starts off with this girl whose microwave breaks, and she’s despairing...when suddenly her oven starts singing to her. Telling her about all the exciting things you can do with an oven, and how microwaves are just for lazy people anyway.
Louisa: Elitist
Jack: I write what I know
Louisa: Wasn’t the musical meant to be more realistic this year? After ‘Moon Nuns’.
Bus LVI
Scott is wearing a black armband
Louisa: What’s up?
Jack: His microwave broke
Louisa: Oh dear. Can’t you get a new one?
Scott: Next week. When Em gets paid.
Louisa: Well until then, you're welcome to come use mine
Scott: Thanks, but I can’t cook with people watching
Louisa: At least you've still got the gas oven
Scott: Had it taken out after...well, you know
Jack: I’ve got something that’ll cheer you up
Scott: A grill?
Jack: Nope – a bendy straw!
Scott: So what?
Jack: You like straws, remember?
Scott: That was just talk. This is life.
Jack: Did I tell you I'm writing the musical now? They rejected Wallace's script.
Scott starts crying
Louisa: Scott, don't cry. It'll be okay.
Jack: Who knew a broken microwave could be so traumatic? Aren't they just meaningless objects of attachment?
Scott: Yeah, but they make life so much easier!
Louisa: My dad cried when our barbecue broke. We'd only used it twice in ten years.
Jack: Serious?
Louisa: To you, eating is just reverse-vomiting...but to some people, it's a way of life
Louisa: What’s up?
Jack: His microwave broke
Louisa: Oh dear. Can’t you get a new one?
Scott: Next week. When Em gets paid.
Louisa: Well until then, you're welcome to come use mine
Scott: Thanks, but I can’t cook with people watching
Louisa: At least you've still got the gas oven
Scott: Had it taken out after...well, you know
Jack: I’ve got something that’ll cheer you up
Scott: A grill?
Jack: Nope – a bendy straw!
Scott: So what?
Jack: You like straws, remember?
Scott: That was just talk. This is life.
Jack: Did I tell you I'm writing the musical now? They rejected Wallace's script.
Scott starts crying
Louisa: Scott, don't cry. It'll be okay.
Jack: Who knew a broken microwave could be so traumatic? Aren't they just meaningless objects of attachment?
Scott: Yeah, but they make life so much easier!
Louisa: My dad cried when our barbecue broke. We'd only used it twice in ten years.
Jack: Serious?
Louisa: To you, eating is just reverse-vomiting...but to some people, it's a way of life
Bus LV
Louisa: Let’s play a game
Scott: I’m all Snapped out
Louisa: Let’s play a little game called ‘I Wonder What Lizzie Is Doing’
Jack: I knew you were reading my private notebook! ‘Feeling the binding’ – worst excuse ever.
Scott: I bet Lizzie’s...fighting aliens
Jack: No, see, you haven’t read the rules. It has to be plausible. She could never be fighting aliens – teaching aliens the futility of war, maybe, but never fighting them.
Louisa: Can she be in bed with her hunky musician boyfriend who isn’t you?
Jack: Clearly you aren’t mature enough for this game
Scott: I’m all Snapped out
Louisa: Let’s play a little game called ‘I Wonder What Lizzie Is Doing’
Jack: I knew you were reading my private notebook! ‘Feeling the binding’ – worst excuse ever.
Scott: I bet Lizzie’s...fighting aliens
Jack: No, see, you haven’t read the rules. It has to be plausible. She could never be fighting aliens – teaching aliens the futility of war, maybe, but never fighting them.
Louisa: Can she be in bed with her hunky musician boyfriend who isn’t you?
Jack: Clearly you aren’t mature enough for this game
Bus LIII
Louisa: I can't believe Mr Gogol died
Scott: Who's Mr Gogol?
Louisa: Our headteacher!
Scott: The guy who dresses as a bat?
Louisa: I don't think that's a real person, Scott
Scott: Who's Mr Gogol?
Louisa: Our headteacher!
Scott: The guy who dresses as a bat?
Louisa: I don't think that's a real person, Scott
Bus LIV
Louisa: Just entered the funeral raffle
Jack: There’s a raffle?
Louisa: Yeah, for tickets. The marching band is gonna play and everything.
Jack: I thought Mr Gogol hated the marching band. Didn’t he try and retract their funding?
Louisa: I doubt funerals were really his scene either, so what’s your problem?
Jack: There’s a raffle?
Louisa: Yeah, for tickets. The marching band is gonna play and everything.
Jack: I thought Mr Gogol hated the marching band. Didn’t he try and retract their funding?
Louisa: I doubt funerals were really his scene either, so what’s your problem?
Bus LII
Jack: God, I hate school uniforms. Wish we had Mufti every day.
Louisa: Only yesterday you said how much you hate Mufti Days!
Jack: Yeah, I hate them cos they’re the exception. Feeling comfortable shouldn’t be some special end-of-term treat.
Louisa: I think they’re best as an occasional thing. Uniform helps the poor kids hide.
Jack: You’re right. Out of sight, out of mind. That works for me.
Louisa: Only yesterday you said how much you hate Mufti Days!
Jack: Yeah, I hate them cos they’re the exception. Feeling comfortable shouldn’t be some special end-of-term treat.
Louisa: I think they’re best as an occasional thing. Uniform helps the poor kids hide.
Jack: You’re right. Out of sight, out of mind. That works for me.
Bus LI
Louisa: Skiver
Jack: You know my policy on Mufti Days. Why should I have to pay a pound for the privilege of wearing my own clothes?
Louisa: Because it goes to charity?
Jack: Forced donations are worse than no donations at all. It’s dirty money.
Louisa: I’m sure the starving orphans share that sentiment
Jack: You know my policy on Mufti Days. Why should I have to pay a pound for the privilege of wearing my own clothes?
Louisa: Because it goes to charity?
Jack: Forced donations are worse than no donations at all. It’s dirty money.
Louisa: I’m sure the starving orphans share that sentiment
Bus XLIX
Louisa is reading a magazine
Louisa: Wanna come see Fruit with me?
Jack: I've got some at home, thanks
Louisa: They're a girl group, fool. Says here they're touring.
Jack: You know my stance on commercial music
Louisa: How about you, Scott?
Scott: I'm there!
Jack: Thought you only listened to bluegrass?
Scott: I'm branching out
Louisa: Wanna come see Fruit with me?
Jack: I've got some at home, thanks
Louisa: They're a girl group, fool. Says here they're touring.
Jack: You know my stance on commercial music
Louisa: How about you, Scott?
Scott: I'm there!
Jack: Thought you only listened to bluegrass?
Scott: I'm branching out
Bus L
Louisa: New phone?
Jack: Yep
Louisa: Text me your number
Jack: Will do. Not yet though.
Louisa: Why’s that?
Jack: I want a few days to enjoy my phone before people start contacting me and ruin it
Jack: Yep
Louisa: Text me your number
Jack: Will do. Not yet though.
Louisa: Why’s that?
Jack: I want a few days to enjoy my phone before people start contacting me and ruin it
Bus XLVIII
Scott: How many kids do you want?
Jack: From you? None.
Scott: Seriously
Jack: Still none. Horrible puking things.
Scott: You don’t like kids?
Jack: If it’s any consolation, I don’t like old people either
Scott: How about you, Lou?
Louisa: I’m with Jack on this one
Scott: What’s wrong with you guys? Babies are cute.
Louisa: So are rabbits – that doesn’t mean I want to push one out of my vagina
Jack: The desire to produce little versions of ourselves is humanity’s most disturbing psychosis
Louisa: Exactly. One big ego trip.
Scott: What are you talking about? We need babies to survive.
Jack: There are seven billion people on this planet – we passed the survival threshold some time ago
Louisa: And it’s convenient, isn’t it, that the only way our species can survive is for me to get fat and stay indoors while my husband gets rich and screws his secretary
Jack: From you? None.
Scott: Seriously
Jack: Still none. Horrible puking things.
Scott: You don’t like kids?
Jack: If it’s any consolation, I don’t like old people either
Scott: How about you, Lou?
Louisa: I’m with Jack on this one
Scott: What’s wrong with you guys? Babies are cute.
Louisa: So are rabbits – that doesn’t mean I want to push one out of my vagina
Jack: The desire to produce little versions of ourselves is humanity’s most disturbing psychosis
Louisa: Exactly. One big ego trip.
Scott: What are you talking about? We need babies to survive.
Jack: There are seven billion people on this planet – we passed the survival threshold some time ago
Louisa: And it’s convenient, isn’t it, that the only way our species can survive is for me to get fat and stay indoors while my husband gets rich and screws his secretary
Bus XLVII
Louisa: Think I’ll go to Church this week. Haven’t been for a while.
Jack: Surely you don’t still believe all that crap?
Louisa: I do, as it happens
Jack: Oh c’mon, you can't seriously believe there’s a magical man in the sky who’ll fix all your problems?
Louisa: I don’t think it’s a man – or a woman, come to that – and I don’t know if they’ll fix all my problems...but yeah, I believe there’s something up there
Jack: Can’t you see you’ve just been brainwashed by your parents?
Louisa: You got atheism from your parents, so what’s the difference?
Jack: Plenty. Atheism isn’t a belief...it’s an absence of belief. There’s simply no proof for religion.
Louisa: It’s not about proof, it’s about faith
Jack: Yeah, that’s what your lot keep saying so you don’t have to provide any proof
Louisa: There’s loads of stuff you believe in without any proof
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: You believe in the Green Man
Jack: Huh?
Louisa: When you’re crossing a road, you always wait for the Green Man. I’ve never seen you run across.
Jack: Yeah, cos I don’t want to get knocked down
Louisa: So you, in fact, believe that this magical Green Man protects you from harm? You believe the Green Man is interested in your personal well-being?
Jack: The Green Man doesn’t exist. He’s just a light.
Louisa: If he’s just a light, why d'you trust him with your life?
Jack: Because I’ve always trusted him before and I’ve never got knocked down
Louisa: Yeah, but why did you first start trusting him? When you first crossed a road, how did you know he was there to help you?
Jack: I dunno, I guess my mum told me...
Louisa: Oh, you mean like my mum told me there’s a God?
Jack: Yeah, but she didn’t claim the Green Man was some magical being. She said he was created by humans...
Louisa: According to you, religion was created by humans. Why believe in one manmade thing but not another?
Jack: Everyone believes in the Green Man...
Louisa: Couple of centuries ago, everyone believed in God. You've no proof that the Green Man is looking out for your welfare. He could have his own agenda. Yet you believe in him anyway.
Jack: What you’re saying doesn’t make logical sense
Louisa: Logic's meaningless - a cunning argument can prove anything. Face it, Jack, you’re a crowd follower. Just like me.
Jack: Surely you don’t still believe all that crap?
Louisa: I do, as it happens
Jack: Oh c’mon, you can't seriously believe there’s a magical man in the sky who’ll fix all your problems?
Louisa: I don’t think it’s a man – or a woman, come to that – and I don’t know if they’ll fix all my problems...but yeah, I believe there’s something up there
Jack: Can’t you see you’ve just been brainwashed by your parents?
Louisa: You got atheism from your parents, so what’s the difference?
Jack: Plenty. Atheism isn’t a belief...it’s an absence of belief. There’s simply no proof for religion.
Louisa: It’s not about proof, it’s about faith
Jack: Yeah, that’s what your lot keep saying so you don’t have to provide any proof
Louisa: There’s loads of stuff you believe in without any proof
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: You believe in the Green Man
Jack: Huh?
Louisa: When you’re crossing a road, you always wait for the Green Man. I’ve never seen you run across.
Jack: Yeah, cos I don’t want to get knocked down
Louisa: So you, in fact, believe that this magical Green Man protects you from harm? You believe the Green Man is interested in your personal well-being?
Jack: The Green Man doesn’t exist. He’s just a light.
Louisa: If he’s just a light, why d'you trust him with your life?
Jack: Because I’ve always trusted him before and I’ve never got knocked down
Louisa: Yeah, but why did you first start trusting him? When you first crossed a road, how did you know he was there to help you?
Jack: I dunno, I guess my mum told me...
Louisa: Oh, you mean like my mum told me there’s a God?
Jack: Yeah, but she didn’t claim the Green Man was some magical being. She said he was created by humans...
Louisa: According to you, religion was created by humans. Why believe in one manmade thing but not another?
Jack: Everyone believes in the Green Man...
Louisa: Couple of centuries ago, everyone believed in God. You've no proof that the Green Man is looking out for your welfare. He could have his own agenda. Yet you believe in him anyway.
Jack: What you’re saying doesn’t make logical sense
Louisa: Logic's meaningless - a cunning argument can prove anything. Face it, Jack, you’re a crowd follower. Just like me.
Bus XLVI
Louisa: Sports Day soon
Jack: Oh yeah. I wonder if Bobby Langford can win back his long-jump record.
Louisa: What're you talking about? He still holds the record.
Jack: Nah, Moses Friar beat it last year. Don’t you remember his amazing jump?
Louisa: Moses did a good jump, sure...but Bobby still holds the record
Jack: Are you kidding me? Has Moses Friar’s achievement just been airbrushed out of history?
Louisa: Maybe you’re thinking of that jump where he was disqualified for going past the line
Jack: I’m telling you, he beat the record. You’ve just forgotten.
Louisa: Whatever
Jack: If people are forgetting this, who knows what else they're forgetting? It's all very well for the majority to partake of that mindless boogie you call the present, but a courageous few must safeguard past truths for future generations. This sacred duty...
Enter Scott
Louisa: Hey, who holds the Sports Day long-jump record?
Scott: Everyone knows that: Bobby Langford
Louisa: See!
Jack: Nah, Moses Friar beat it last year
Scott: Moses? He was home ill last Sports Day.
Jack: Shit, really? What about the year before that?
Scott: Did a good jump, but it was nowhere near Bobby's
Louisa: Thank God some of us are safeguarding past truths for future generations
Jack: Oh yeah. I wonder if Bobby Langford can win back his long-jump record.
Louisa: What're you talking about? He still holds the record.
Jack: Nah, Moses Friar beat it last year. Don’t you remember his amazing jump?
Louisa: Moses did a good jump, sure...but Bobby still holds the record
Jack: Are you kidding me? Has Moses Friar’s achievement just been airbrushed out of history?
Louisa: Maybe you’re thinking of that jump where he was disqualified for going past the line
Jack: I’m telling you, he beat the record. You’ve just forgotten.
Louisa: Whatever
Jack: If people are forgetting this, who knows what else they're forgetting? It's all very well for the majority to partake of that mindless boogie you call the present, but a courageous few must safeguard past truths for future generations. This sacred duty...
Enter Scott
Louisa: Hey, who holds the Sports Day long-jump record?
Scott: Everyone knows that: Bobby Langford
Louisa: See!
Jack: Nah, Moses Friar beat it last year
Scott: Moses? He was home ill last Sports Day.
Jack: Shit, really? What about the year before that?
Scott: Did a good jump, but it was nowhere near Bobby's
Louisa: Thank God some of us are safeguarding past truths for future generations
Bus XLV
Louisa: Where’s Scott?
Jack: Went home halfway through Art. Said he had a dentist's appointment.
Louisa: Surely anyone can see Scott doesn’t go to the dentist?
Jack: Well, you know Mrs Fibonacci...she’s an optimist. It was a pretty good lesson too. About perspective.
Louisa: Look who it is!
Enter Scott
Jack: Hey, I thought you’d gone home?
Scott: Yeah, that didn’t work out
Louisa: What happened?
Scott: Well, I tried to walk across the field backwards. Figured that if a teacher saw me, they’d think I was walking into school...instead of out.
Louisa: That’s so clever!
Scott: Didn’t work though. Mr Finch saw me through his periscope.
Jack: Y'know, you really should’ve stayed ‘til the end of that Art lesson
Jack: Went home halfway through Art. Said he had a dentist's appointment.
Louisa: Surely anyone can see Scott doesn’t go to the dentist?
Jack: Well, you know Mrs Fibonacci...she’s an optimist. It was a pretty good lesson too. About perspective.
Louisa: Look who it is!
Enter Scott
Jack: Hey, I thought you’d gone home?
Scott: Yeah, that didn’t work out
Louisa: What happened?
Scott: Well, I tried to walk across the field backwards. Figured that if a teacher saw me, they’d think I was walking into school...instead of out.
Louisa: That’s so clever!
Scott: Didn’t work though. Mr Finch saw me through his periscope.
Jack: Y'know, you really should’ve stayed ‘til the end of that Art lesson
Bus XLIV
Louisa: Is Scott coming too?
Jack: Said he might pop round later, but he’s off to the bank first
Louisa: There’s a cash machine near you!
Jack: Doesn’t use 'em. Says they’re too impersonal.
Louisa: Really? I like talking to as few people as possible.
Jack: It all goes back to this time when he was young and he decided his dream job was to sell condoms in public toilets
Louisa: That’s his dream job? Selling condoms?
Jack: Yeah, he gave a whole speech on it in Year 2. Reckons it’d be super-rewarding. Making people safe from STDs, but also bringing them pleasure...via ribs, flavours, and so on.
Louisa: True, I guess. But why especially in public toilets? I didn't think he even used toilets.
Jack: Yeah, but he's still fascinated by them. Like how in the desert they all sit around discussing snow.
Louisa: Do they?
Jack: So I've heard. Anyway, when he found out they have machines that do it, he was heartbroken...blames the condom machines for putting him out of a job. So yeah, he wants to make sure no one else suffers the same fate.
Louisa: He’s a surprisingly deep thinker, isn’t he
Jack: You should see him when he’s had too much sugar
Louisa: But wait a sec, he was really pleased about the new library check-out machines. They put Larry Flack out of a job.
Jack: Yeah, but school employees don’t have real feelings like you or I do
Jack: Said he might pop round later, but he’s off to the bank first
Louisa: There’s a cash machine near you!
Jack: Doesn’t use 'em. Says they’re too impersonal.
Louisa: Really? I like talking to as few people as possible.
Jack: It all goes back to this time when he was young and he decided his dream job was to sell condoms in public toilets
Louisa: That’s his dream job? Selling condoms?
Jack: Yeah, he gave a whole speech on it in Year 2. Reckons it’d be super-rewarding. Making people safe from STDs, but also bringing them pleasure...via ribs, flavours, and so on.
Louisa: True, I guess. But why especially in public toilets? I didn't think he even used toilets.
Jack: Yeah, but he's still fascinated by them. Like how in the desert they all sit around discussing snow.
Louisa: Do they?
Jack: So I've heard. Anyway, when he found out they have machines that do it, he was heartbroken...blames the condom machines for putting him out of a job. So yeah, he wants to make sure no one else suffers the same fate.
Louisa: He’s a surprisingly deep thinker, isn’t he
Jack: You should see him when he’s had too much sugar
Louisa: But wait a sec, he was really pleased about the new library check-out machines. They put Larry Flack out of a job.
Jack: Yeah, but school employees don’t have real feelings like you or I do
Bus XLIII
Louisa: How come you’re doing homework on here?
Jack: It's my mum's birthday meal tonight, so I won’t have time later
Louisa: Fair enough. What is it?
Jack: Physics
Louisa: Oh, can I copy?
Jack: Sure
Louisa: Fuck, I haven’t got mine with me. I’ll just look at yours and memorise it.
Jack: Yes, that’s bound to end well
Louisa: What’s that mean? Quick, give us a look before I have to get off.
Jack: Remember that time you dropped my mum’s shopping list down a drain cos you swore you had it memorised? It took a week to eat all that cabbage.
Louisa: So these are planets, right? What’s that small one?
Jack: Mercury. It’s small, moves very quickly, looks a bit fuzzy to the naked eye.
Louisa: Sounds like Scott. What’s the one next to it?
Jack: That’s Venus, the brightest one. Looks kinda beautiful when you see it...
Louisa: Sounds like me. I'd better go. Fax me the rest.
Jack: Fax you?
Louisa: You know what I mean! E-mail.
Exit Louisa
Jack: ...but deadly up close
Jack: It's my mum's birthday meal tonight, so I won’t have time later
Louisa: Fair enough. What is it?
Jack: Physics
Louisa: Oh, can I copy?
Jack: Sure
Louisa: Fuck, I haven’t got mine with me. I’ll just look at yours and memorise it.
Jack: Yes, that’s bound to end well
Louisa: What’s that mean? Quick, give us a look before I have to get off.
Jack: Remember that time you dropped my mum’s shopping list down a drain cos you swore you had it memorised? It took a week to eat all that cabbage.
Louisa: So these are planets, right? What’s that small one?
Jack: Mercury. It’s small, moves very quickly, looks a bit fuzzy to the naked eye.
Louisa: Sounds like Scott. What’s the one next to it?
Jack: That’s Venus, the brightest one. Looks kinda beautiful when you see it...
Louisa: Sounds like me. I'd better go. Fax me the rest.
Jack: Fax you?
Louisa: You know what I mean! E-mail.
Exit Louisa
Jack: ...but deadly up close
Bus XLII
Louisa: Where’s Scott?
Jack: He got picked up by Marlene
Louisa: Don’t you find that a bit creepy?
Jack: I find everything involving Scott a bit creepy
Louisa: Yeah, but don’t you feel she’s using him?
Jack: Using him? He’s the one getting free lifts.
Louisa: But she’s so much older...
Jack: She’s only twenty-two
Louisa: Yeah, but Scott has the mental age of a ten year-old
Jack: He knows how to look after himself. Remember he’s living alone now.
Louisa: I thought his sister was looking after him
Jack: Yeah, but she’s not there half the time. He does all his own cooking and washing and everything.
Louisa: I still think there’s too much of an age gap. The laws are there for a reason.
Jack: Proof that people do genuinely care more about protecting their own kids than screwing other people's
Jack: He got picked up by Marlene
Louisa: Don’t you find that a bit creepy?
Jack: I find everything involving Scott a bit creepy
Louisa: Yeah, but don’t you feel she’s using him?
Jack: Using him? He’s the one getting free lifts.
Louisa: But she’s so much older...
Jack: She’s only twenty-two
Louisa: Yeah, but Scott has the mental age of a ten year-old
Jack: He knows how to look after himself. Remember he’s living alone now.
Louisa: I thought his sister was looking after him
Jack: Yeah, but she’s not there half the time. He does all his own cooking and washing and everything.
Louisa: I still think there’s too much of an age gap. The laws are there for a reason.
Jack: Proof that people do genuinely care more about protecting their own kids than screwing other people's
Bus XLI
Louisa: I’m sick of this bus. Watching the world whizz by, unable to touch it. Who knows what we’re missing out on?
Scott: I just wish I could teleport home
Louisa: Look how fat and greasy we are, never walking further than the bus stop and then gobbling down a load of snacks
Jack: Speak for yourself
Louisa: Why don’t we get off at the next stop and walk? Think of the adventures we’ll have. Think of the self-improvement.
Jack: If we must. You coming, Scott?
Scott: I guess...
Louisa: You won’t regret it
They disembark. Outside it’s cold and near-dark. A wolf howls in the distance.
Louisa: What time’s the next bus?
Scott: I just wish I could teleport home
Louisa: Look how fat and greasy we are, never walking further than the bus stop and then gobbling down a load of snacks
Jack: Speak for yourself
Louisa: Why don’t we get off at the next stop and walk? Think of the adventures we’ll have. Think of the self-improvement.
Jack: If we must. You coming, Scott?
Scott: I guess...
Louisa: You won’t regret it
They disembark. Outside it’s cold and near-dark. A wolf howls in the distance.
Louisa: What time’s the next bus?
Bus XL
Louisa: Amy Poincaré reckons hair straighteners are humanity’s greatest invention
Jack: I guess they must come in handy...if you have curly hair
Louisa: Well yeah, but humanity’s greatest invention? Everybody knows that’s the Internet.
Jack: Nah, it’s gotta be something medical. Antibiotics or something.
Louisa: No point being healthy if you can’t watch funny videos on demand. What d’you think, Scott? Humanity’s greatest invention?
Scott: Straws
Louisa: Why’s that?
Scott: They mean you can drink and eat at the same time, with different sides of your mouth. No more choosing.
Jack: No more chewing either, by the sounds of it
Jack: I guess they must come in handy...if you have curly hair
Louisa: Well yeah, but humanity’s greatest invention? Everybody knows that’s the Internet.
Jack: Nah, it’s gotta be something medical. Antibiotics or something.
Louisa: No point being healthy if you can’t watch funny videos on demand. What d’you think, Scott? Humanity’s greatest invention?
Scott: Straws
Louisa: Why’s that?
Scott: They mean you can drink and eat at the same time, with different sides of your mouth. No more choosing.
Jack: No more chewing either, by the sounds of it
Bus XXXIX
Louisa: Is it true Scott’s been suspended?
Jack: Afraid so. Three days.
Louisa: That’s a shame
Jack: The school takes a tough line on nudity
Louisa: I think he had a point though - it isn’t mentioned in the handbook
Jack: Apparently they felt it was implied
Louisa: Oh well, at least nobody’s gonna forget that fez in a hurry
Jack: True. For better or worse, he’s certainly tainted the legacy of Mr Snick.
Jack: Afraid so. Three days.
Louisa: That’s a shame
Jack: The school takes a tough line on nudity
Louisa: I think he had a point though - it isn’t mentioned in the handbook
Jack: Apparently they felt it was implied
Louisa: Oh well, at least nobody’s gonna forget that fez in a hurry
Jack: True. For better or worse, he’s certainly tainted the legacy of Mr Snick.
Bus XXXVIII
Scott: What’s your leaving present for Mr Snick?
Louisa: Nothing. I hate Mr Snick.
Scott: You hate Mr Snick? How? He’s a legend. He wears a fez!
Louisa: His hands always smell of chalk...and he doesn’t even have a chalkboard, so that must be the actual natural smell of his hands
Scott: Fez trumps all
Louisa: Look, I'm starting to worry about Jack. He's so cut up over Lizzie. It isn't healthy.
Scott: Yeah, whatever. If I start wearing a fez after Mr Snick’s gone, will it look like I’m ripping him off?
Louisa: Yes...unless you can make people stop associating it with him and start associating it with you
Louisa: Nothing. I hate Mr Snick.
Scott: You hate Mr Snick? How? He’s a legend. He wears a fez!
Louisa: His hands always smell of chalk...and he doesn’t even have a chalkboard, so that must be the actual natural smell of his hands
Scott: Fez trumps all
Louisa: Look, I'm starting to worry about Jack. He's so cut up over Lizzie. It isn't healthy.
Scott: Yeah, whatever. If I start wearing a fez after Mr Snick’s gone, will it look like I’m ripping him off?
Louisa: Yes...unless you can make people stop associating it with him and start associating it with you
Bus XXXVII
All three are sitting across the backseat. Jack is in the middle, visibly depressed. Louisa is drinking cola.
Scott: Can I have a bit?
Louisa: Sure
Louisa passes the bottle to Jack, who passes it to Scott
Scott: Thanks
Louisa: No problem
Scott: Sugar-free? Why not cut my heart out while you’re at it?
Louisa: Believe me, it’s tempting. Do you want some or not?
Scott: Forget it
Scott passes the bottle back to Jack, who this time clings to it with longing
Jack: Does Lizzie smell of flowers, or do flowers smell of Lizzie?
Scott: Can I have a bit?
Louisa: Sure
Louisa passes the bottle to Jack, who passes it to Scott
Scott: Thanks
Louisa: No problem
Scott: Sugar-free? Why not cut my heart out while you’re at it?
Louisa: Believe me, it’s tempting. Do you want some or not?
Scott: Forget it
Scott passes the bottle back to Jack, who this time clings to it with longing
Jack: Does Lizzie smell of flowers, or do flowers smell of Lizzie?
Bus XXXVI
Scott is alone; he dials a number on his mobile phone.
Scott: Hi, this is Scott Buckley. Can I talk to my mum again, please? Just quickly? Thanks.
Pause
Scott: Hi, Mum. Yeah, fine. Just realised I forgot to ask about the earmuffs.
Pause
Scott: Yeah, I reckon they muffle it sometimes anyway
Pause
Scott: Cotton wool would work, I guess
Pause
Scott: Nah, just use tissues for that
Pause
Scott: Don’t worry about it. Take as long as you need.
Pause
Scott: Thanks. Speak soon, Mum. I love you.
Scott puts phone in his pocket, looks out of the window, and sighs
Scott: Hi, this is Scott Buckley. Can I talk to my mum again, please? Just quickly? Thanks.
Pause
Scott: Hi, Mum. Yeah, fine. Just realised I forgot to ask about the earmuffs.
Pause
Scott: Yeah, I reckon they muffle it sometimes anyway
Pause
Scott: Cotton wool would work, I guess
Pause
Scott: Nah, just use tissues for that
Pause
Scott: Don’t worry about it. Take as long as you need.
Pause
Scott: Thanks. Speak soon, Mum. I love you.
Scott puts phone in his pocket, looks out of the window, and sighs
Bus XXXV
Louisa: Y’know, all the major events of my life have happened along this bus route
Jack: How come?
Louisa: Well, obviously I was born in the hospital...
Jack: Is the hospital on this bus route?
Louisa: Yeah
Jack: Okay
Louisa: ...and obviously I went to all the schools...
Jack: Is your Primary on this bus route?
Louisa: Yes!
Jack: Just asking
Louisa: So yeah, a lot of stuff
Jack: What, that’s it? Schools and a hospital? They’re your major events?
Louisa: Well no, my bank’s on this route too. And the office where my mum works. And the lamp-post where I put flowers for Mia every anniversary.
Jack: That’s nothing. Scott’s been knocked down three times on this bus route. He was conceived on this bus route!
Louisa: Well, maybe more stuff will happen to me along here soon
Jack: True. You could be buried in the graveyard, for example.
Louisa: Aren’t they closing that graveyard?
Jack: Yep...but not ‘til July
Jack: How come?
Louisa: Well, obviously I was born in the hospital...
Jack: Is the hospital on this bus route?
Louisa: Yeah
Jack: Okay
Louisa: ...and obviously I went to all the schools...
Jack: Is your Primary on this bus route?
Louisa: Yes!
Jack: Just asking
Louisa: So yeah, a lot of stuff
Jack: What, that’s it? Schools and a hospital? They’re your major events?
Louisa: Well no, my bank’s on this route too. And the office where my mum works. And the lamp-post where I put flowers for Mia every anniversary.
Jack: That’s nothing. Scott’s been knocked down three times on this bus route. He was conceived on this bus route!
Louisa: Well, maybe more stuff will happen to me along here soon
Jack: True. You could be buried in the graveyard, for example.
Louisa: Aren’t they closing that graveyard?
Jack: Yep...but not ‘til July
Bus XXXIV
Jack: Cinema tonight?
Scott: Is Alby coming?
Jack: Alby’s gone
Scott: Gone?
Jack: Yeah, he’s transferred to Brooks Academy
Louisa (in a caricature of Alby’s voice): My long, lonely search for an intellectual equal...continues
Scott: Is Alby coming?
Jack: Alby’s gone
Scott: Gone?
Jack: Yeah, he’s transferred to Brooks Academy
Louisa (in a caricature of Alby’s voice): My long, lonely search for an intellectual equal...continues
Bus XXXIII
Scott: Where’s Jack?
Louisa: He’s cycling to school today
Scott: Cycling? Who the hell cycles to school?
Louisa: Alby does. And I would too if you hadn't leaned my bike against that recycling bin.
Scott: I've said I'm sorry
Louisa: Mmm
Scott: How was the cinema?
Louisa: Okay
Scott: What did you see?
Louisa: It was this 3-D documentary about barnacles
Scott: Barnacles? I s'pose Alby chose that?
Louisa: As a matter of fact, he did. And he seemed to enjoy it, which is what matters.
Scott: Still, wasn’t there anything better on?
Louisa: He only watches documentaries. Says anything else is just fairytales for babies.
Scott: Fairytales for babies?
Louisa: Stop repeating what I say. It's vulgar.
Scott: Vulgar?
Louisa: Yes, now please be quiet. I must finish this by lunchtime, so I can attend Alby’s book group.
Louisa: He’s cycling to school today
Scott: Cycling? Who the hell cycles to school?
Louisa: Alby does. And I would too if you hadn't leaned my bike against that recycling bin.
Scott: I've said I'm sorry
Louisa: Mmm
Scott: How was the cinema?
Louisa: Okay
Scott: What did you see?
Louisa: It was this 3-D documentary about barnacles
Scott: Barnacles? I s'pose Alby chose that?
Louisa: As a matter of fact, he did. And he seemed to enjoy it, which is what matters.
Scott: Still, wasn’t there anything better on?
Louisa: He only watches documentaries. Says anything else is just fairytales for babies.
Scott: Fairytales for babies?
Louisa: Stop repeating what I say. It's vulgar.
Scott: Vulgar?
Louisa: Yes, now please be quiet. I must finish this by lunchtime, so I can attend Alby’s book group.
Bus XXXII
Scott: Cinema tonight?
Louisa: Sounds good
Jack: Can Alby come?
Louisa: Who’s Alby?
Scott: Albert Winterson. His new best friend.
Jack: He’s just this new guy in our tutor group. He knows all about Plato and Buddha and Nietzsche. He uses them to show us where we’re going wrong in our lives.
Scott: He’s a dick. Anyone can read a load of books. It takes actual effort to finish Wizard’s Palace III or know who won every World Cup.
Jack: Scott’s what Alby calls an unbeliever. He says all the unbelievers will be vanquished soon.
Louisa: Vanquished? What does that mean?
Jack: I think it means they’ll be flipping burgers for us
Louisa: He can come. Sounds funny.
Scott: I’m not coming if he does
Jack: That’s okay, you wouldn’t be allowed anyway. Alby’s put you on his blacklist.
Louisa: Sounds good
Jack: Can Alby come?
Louisa: Who’s Alby?
Scott: Albert Winterson. His new best friend.
Jack: He’s just this new guy in our tutor group. He knows all about Plato and Buddha and Nietzsche. He uses them to show us where we’re going wrong in our lives.
Scott: He’s a dick. Anyone can read a load of books. It takes actual effort to finish Wizard’s Palace III or know who won every World Cup.
Jack: Scott’s what Alby calls an unbeliever. He says all the unbelievers will be vanquished soon.
Louisa: Vanquished? What does that mean?
Jack: I think it means they’ll be flipping burgers for us
Louisa: He can come. Sounds funny.
Scott: I’m not coming if he does
Jack: That’s okay, you wouldn’t be allowed anyway. Alby’s put you on his blacklist.
Bus XXXI
Louisa: Hey, you see the woods over there? Just behind the school.
Jack and Scott turn to see
Scott: They’re on fire!
Louisa: Nah, it’s a controlled burning. Somebody’s chucking books into it.
Jack: Christ, isn’t that the Head Librarian!
Scott: Looks like her
Louisa: So that’s why she wasn’t in at lunchtime!
Jack: You keep close track of her movements?
Louisa: I had a problem bringing back a book. The new check-in system wouldn’t accept it and only the Head Librarian can over-rule the machines. They said I’d have to wait 'til she was in.
Jack: Oh yeah, that happened to Gavin Turndale too. He tried to bring back a book and it wouldn’t let him - and the Head Librarian was, again, missing from the scene – so he got a fine the next day.
Louisa: Doesn’t it seem odd that the new system has made it so easy to take out books and so tricky to bring them back?
Scott: It’s like they want us to keep the books at home
Jack: And now the Head Librarian’s burning some in the woods
Louisa: I guess they just don’t have enough room for all the books anymore. What with the computers and the conference suites and everything.
Jack and Scott turn to see
Scott: They’re on fire!
Louisa: Nah, it’s a controlled burning. Somebody’s chucking books into it.
Jack: Christ, isn’t that the Head Librarian!
Scott: Looks like her
Louisa: So that’s why she wasn’t in at lunchtime!
Jack: You keep close track of her movements?
Louisa: I had a problem bringing back a book. The new check-in system wouldn’t accept it and only the Head Librarian can over-rule the machines. They said I’d have to wait 'til she was in.
Jack: Oh yeah, that happened to Gavin Turndale too. He tried to bring back a book and it wouldn’t let him - and the Head Librarian was, again, missing from the scene – so he got a fine the next day.
Louisa: Doesn’t it seem odd that the new system has made it so easy to take out books and so tricky to bring them back?
Scott: It’s like they want us to keep the books at home
Jack: And now the Head Librarian’s burning some in the woods
Louisa: I guess they just don’t have enough room for all the books anymore. What with the computers and the conference suites and everything.
Bus XXX
Louisa: You been in the new library yet?
Jack: Nope. Is it good?
Louisa: Insanely good. The check-out machines are so fast. They make the old ones seem like some kind of sick joke.
Scott: Yeah, no more standing around. People won’t even know you’re taking books out. You can just pretend you’ve tripped and dropped them in the slot by mistake.
Louisa: I foresee a bright and prosperous future for us all
Jack: Nope. Is it good?
Louisa: Insanely good. The check-out machines are so fast. They make the old ones seem like some kind of sick joke.
Scott: Yeah, no more standing around. People won’t even know you’re taking books out. You can just pretend you’ve tripped and dropped them in the slot by mistake.
Louisa: I foresee a bright and prosperous future for us all
Bus XXIX
Louisa: I’m so looking forward to the new library. No more odours!
Scott: There’s gonna be a new library?
Louisa: The loud drilling noises didn’t tip you off?
Scott: Figured that's the sound of my heart or lungs or something. I was so pleased I could hear them at last.
Louisa: Well, you must’ve seen all the signs?
Jack: He doesn’t read signs. On principle.
Scott: They cramp my style
Louisa: Cramp your style?
Scott: Yeah. I’d rather fall down a hole than be told to walk on the other side of the road.
Scott: There’s gonna be a new library?
Louisa: The loud drilling noises didn’t tip you off?
Scott: Figured that's the sound of my heart or lungs or something. I was so pleased I could hear them at last.
Louisa: Well, you must’ve seen all the signs?
Jack: He doesn’t read signs. On principle.
Scott: They cramp my style
Louisa: Cramp your style?
Scott: Yeah. I’d rather fall down a hole than be told to walk on the other side of the road.
Bus XXVIII
Louisa: That donkey's coming in again tomorrow
Jack: What, the same donkey that turned on all the gas taps with its teeth?
Louisa: Yeah, and last week it broke into the PE block and ate all Willy Martin's clothes
Jack: Why the hell do they keep letting this demon donkey onto the grounds?
Louisa: Apparently the sanctuary insisted on a twenty-visit contract. They drive a hard bargain.
Jack: What, the same donkey that turned on all the gas taps with its teeth?
Louisa: Yeah, and last week it broke into the PE block and ate all Willy Martin's clothes
Jack: Why the hell do they keep letting this demon donkey onto the grounds?
Louisa: Apparently the sanctuary insisted on a twenty-visit contract. They drive a hard bargain.
Bus XXVII
Louisa: Why're you on the late bus too?
Jack: Fell asleep in Art
Louisa: Oh, bad luck. Detention sucks.
Jack: Nah, nobody noticed so I just slept right through. Only woke up at all cos Mrs Fibonacci was coughing up blood so loudly in the sink.
Jack: Fell asleep in Art
Louisa: Oh, bad luck. Detention sucks.
Jack: Nah, nobody noticed so I just slept right through. Only woke up at all cos Mrs Fibonacci was coughing up blood so loudly in the sink.
Bus XXVI
Scott: Can we do something tonight? Just you and me?
Louisa: Are you asking me out?
Scott: No, I just don’t wanna stay in
Louisa: Cos of your mum being in that asylum?
Scott: Actually, I’m enjoying the place more without her. I reckon they should just give kids a house instead of parents. It’d be a much better system.
Louisa: Why not hang out with Jack?
Scott: No! He’s the problem!
Louisa: How come?
Scott: Ever since my mum left, he keeps randomly popping round. Says he doesn’t want me to feel lonely.
Louisa: Are you asking me out?
Scott: No, I just don’t wanna stay in
Louisa: Cos of your mum being in that asylum?
Scott: Actually, I’m enjoying the place more without her. I reckon they should just give kids a house instead of parents. It’d be a much better system.
Louisa: Why not hang out with Jack?
Scott: No! He’s the problem!
Louisa: How come?
Scott: Ever since my mum left, he keeps randomly popping round. Says he doesn’t want me to feel lonely.
Bus XXV
Louisa: Guess who I saw delivering papers down Scott's road the other day
Jack: Jesus?
Louisa: Nope
Jack: Buddha?
Louisa: Nope
Jack: Muhammad?
Louisa: Nope, you’re in the wrong area entirely
Jack: Vishnu?
Louisa: Why would any of these people be delivering papers? The correct answer is Lizzie Rockford.
Jack: Oh. Why are you telling me this?
Louisa: Because something tells me you’ll be holding your nose to set foot in Scott’s flat more often from now on
Jack: Jesus?
Louisa: Nope
Jack: Buddha?
Louisa: Nope
Jack: Muhammad?
Louisa: Nope, you’re in the wrong area entirely
Jack: Vishnu?
Louisa: Why would any of these people be delivering papers? The correct answer is Lizzie Rockford.
Jack: Oh. Why are you telling me this?
Louisa: Because something tells me you’ll be holding your nose to set foot in Scott’s flat more often from now on
Bus XXIV
Louisa: Oh wow, you got a laptop?
Jack: Nah, it’s my dad’s. I’m watching a movie on it.
Louisa: What movie?
Jack: I dunno, it’s just something he left in the tray. Started playing when I switched it on.
Louisa: Any good?
Jack: It’s alright. Bit gory.
Louisa: Budge up and let me watch too
Jack moves; Louisa stumbles awkwardly into the now-vacant seat
Louisa: Why’s that guy flying a helicopter upside down?
Jack: There’s some kind of magnet on the roof, pulling him down
Louisa: He’s gonna crash right into that baseball crowd
Jack: Nah, he’s turning on the turbo thrusters
Louisa: What are they?
Jack: I dunno, but the dentist mentioned them earlier
Louisa: The dentist?
Jack: He borrowed the helicopter from his dentist. They’re fighting this evil company who poisoned the President's dentures.
Louisa: So the President’s dead?
Jack: Nah, he hasn’t put them in his mouth yet...but he switches them over on the first day of every month...which is today...and the butler’s just started microwaving his morning curry
Louisa: The President has microwave curry for breakfast? What a stupid film.
Jack: Yeah, it is a bit crap
Both stare at the screen, transfixed
Jack: Nah, it’s my dad’s. I’m watching a movie on it.
Louisa: What movie?
Jack: I dunno, it’s just something he left in the tray. Started playing when I switched it on.
Louisa: Any good?
Jack: It’s alright. Bit gory.
Louisa: Budge up and let me watch too
Jack moves; Louisa stumbles awkwardly into the now-vacant seat
Louisa: Why’s that guy flying a helicopter upside down?
Jack: There’s some kind of magnet on the roof, pulling him down
Louisa: He’s gonna crash right into that baseball crowd
Jack: Nah, he’s turning on the turbo thrusters
Louisa: What are they?
Jack: I dunno, but the dentist mentioned them earlier
Louisa: The dentist?
Jack: He borrowed the helicopter from his dentist. They’re fighting this evil company who poisoned the President's dentures.
Louisa: So the President’s dead?
Jack: Nah, he hasn’t put them in his mouth yet...but he switches them over on the first day of every month...which is today...and the butler’s just started microwaving his morning curry
Louisa: The President has microwave curry for breakfast? What a stupid film.
Jack: Yeah, it is a bit crap
Both stare at the screen, transfixed
Bus XXIII
Louisa: Huge fight at the chess club last night
Jack: Anyone I know?
Louisa: Just some guys from Brooks Academy
Jack: I should start coming to the chess club again
Scott: One time my grandad spent ten days on a life-raft with another guy, waiting to be rescued, and all they did the whole time was play chess
Jack: He good then?
Scott: Only won one game
Jack: Better than none
Scott: Yeah, but it was only cos the other guy forfeited
Jack: Why’d he do that?
Scott: Grandad threatened to push him overboard
Jack: What a charming anecdote. I’ve never seen anyone beat Lou-Lou.
Scott: How’d you learn those skills?
Louisa: I used to eat this cereal that had chess tips on the back of the box. Loved that cereal.
Jack: Anyone I know?
Louisa: Just some guys from Brooks Academy
Jack: I should start coming to the chess club again
Scott: One time my grandad spent ten days on a life-raft with another guy, waiting to be rescued, and all they did the whole time was play chess
Jack: He good then?
Scott: Only won one game
Jack: Better than none
Scott: Yeah, but it was only cos the other guy forfeited
Jack: Why’d he do that?
Scott: Grandad threatened to push him overboard
Jack: What a charming anecdote. I’ve never seen anyone beat Lou-Lou.
Scott: How’d you learn those skills?
Louisa: I used to eat this cereal that had chess tips on the back of the box. Loved that cereal.
Bus XXII
Jack: Wanna get an ice cream in town?
Louisa: Nah, I’d better not. Too expensive.
Jack: You sure?
Louisa: Yeah, I just wanna go home and cry
Jack: How come?
Louisa: It’s Ms Pappus. Every week she does these lame impressions of celebrities, and she gives you a detention if you don’t laugh.
Jack: That’s a shame. We’ve got Mr Thales. He’s pretty fun. Did a quiz last week.
Louisa: Oh man, that sounds great
Jack: Yeah, it was alright. My group would’ve won if it wasn’t for Scott.
Louisa: What did he do?
Jack: Shouted out that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. Before we’d even had time to confer.
Louisa: Who was he then?
Jack: He invented Communism!
Louisa: Oh. I’ve never been too sure what Communism is, to be honest.
Jack: It’s just this thing about how we’re all exploited by our bosses because we do all the work but they make all the money
Louisa: What’s so great about that? Anyone could think up that. Ronnie Phelps could think up that.
Jack: Ronnie Phelps can’t even tie his shoes. Anyway, there’s more. Marx said one day we’re all going to kill our bosses and share the money out equally.
Louisa: Wow, that sounds pretty good. I dunno if I could kill my boss though.
Jack: Well, you’re only part-time. The full-time workers will do the killing. You’ll just have to spit on the corpse or something.
Louisa: When’s this gonna happen then?
Jack: I dunno, but Marx said it’s inevitable, so we just have to sit around and wait
Louisa: I hope it doesn’t take too long
Jack: Well he predicted it, like, two hundred years ago
Louisa: Two hundred years ago? And it hasn’t happened yet? What if it never happens?
Jack: I’m sure it will eventually
Louisa: Yeah, in another two hundred years! God, I feel depressed now. I was all ready for this wonderful future and now it might not even happen.
Jack: Sorry
Louisa: It’s not your fault. Just this stupid world. Let’s get that ice cream after all.
Jack: What about the money?
Louisa: Ah, fuck the money. In fact, let’s get a whole tub. I need cheering up.
Louisa: Nah, I’d better not. Too expensive.
Jack: You sure?
Louisa: Yeah, I just wanna go home and cry
Jack: How come?
Louisa: It’s Ms Pappus. Every week she does these lame impressions of celebrities, and she gives you a detention if you don’t laugh.
Jack: That’s a shame. We’ve got Mr Thales. He’s pretty fun. Did a quiz last week.
Louisa: Oh man, that sounds great
Jack: Yeah, it was alright. My group would’ve won if it wasn’t for Scott.
Louisa: What did he do?
Jack: Shouted out that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. Before we’d even had time to confer.
Louisa: Who was he then?
Jack: He invented Communism!
Louisa: Oh. I’ve never been too sure what Communism is, to be honest.
Jack: It’s just this thing about how we’re all exploited by our bosses because we do all the work but they make all the money
Louisa: What’s so great about that? Anyone could think up that. Ronnie Phelps could think up that.
Jack: Ronnie Phelps can’t even tie his shoes. Anyway, there’s more. Marx said one day we’re all going to kill our bosses and share the money out equally.
Louisa: Wow, that sounds pretty good. I dunno if I could kill my boss though.
Jack: Well, you’re only part-time. The full-time workers will do the killing. You’ll just have to spit on the corpse or something.
Louisa: When’s this gonna happen then?
Jack: I dunno, but Marx said it’s inevitable, so we just have to sit around and wait
Louisa: I hope it doesn’t take too long
Jack: Well he predicted it, like, two hundred years ago
Louisa: Two hundred years ago? And it hasn’t happened yet? What if it never happens?
Jack: I’m sure it will eventually
Louisa: Yeah, in another two hundred years! God, I feel depressed now. I was all ready for this wonderful future and now it might not even happen.
Jack: Sorry
Louisa: It’s not your fault. Just this stupid world. Let’s get that ice cream after all.
Jack: What about the money?
Louisa: Ah, fuck the money. In fact, let’s get a whole tub. I need cheering up.
Bus XXI
Louisa: Your mum found a job yet?
Scott: Nope
Louisa: How’s she coping?
Scott: Well, she’s drinking a lot...
Louisa: Oh dear
Scott: And the other night she wanted to stick her head in the gas oven
Jack: You still have a gas oven?
Louisa: Oh my God! Did you talk her out of it?
Scott: No, but I was baking a pie...so she had to wait ‘til it was done. And by then that dancing show she likes had come on.
Louisa: Phew
Scott: So yeah, a happy ending
Scott: Nope
Louisa: How’s she coping?
Scott: Well, she’s drinking a lot...
Louisa: Oh dear
Scott: And the other night she wanted to stick her head in the gas oven
Jack: You still have a gas oven?
Louisa: Oh my God! Did you talk her out of it?
Scott: No, but I was baking a pie...so she had to wait ‘til it was done. And by then that dancing show she likes had come on.
Louisa: Phew
Scott: So yeah, a happy ending
Bus XX
Louisa: So, I’m going to New York this summer
Jack: You already told us
Scott: Didn’t tell me
Louisa: It’ll be my first time on a plane
Scott: Oh no, don’t go by plane. They’re all gonna start crashing soon.
Louisa: What?
Scott: Yeah, I read this thing once about how the statistics say that way more planes should be crashing. Soon they’ll all be dropping out of the sky, to even it out.
Jack: That doesn’t sound right...
Scott: You can’t argue with statistics
Jack: You already told us
Scott: Didn’t tell me
Louisa: It’ll be my first time on a plane
Scott: Oh no, don’t go by plane. They’re all gonna start crashing soon.
Louisa: What?
Scott: Yeah, I read this thing once about how the statistics say that way more planes should be crashing. Soon they’ll all be dropping out of the sky, to even it out.
Jack: That doesn’t sound right...
Scott: You can’t argue with statistics
Bus XIX
Jack: Unseasonably warm today, methinks
Louisa: 'Methinks'? You're not Hamlet.
Jack: Would that I were
Louisa: 'Methinks'? You're not Hamlet.
Jack: Would that I were
Bus XVIII
Jack: The Model UN’s on Friday, right?
Louisa: Thursday. They’ve moved it forward cos of Mr Hilbert’s haemorrhoids.
Jack: Oh really? That’s annoying. Less time to prepare.
Louisa: Gives us an excuse if it all goes wrong though
Jack: I suppose. You got a country now?
Louisa: China
Jack: Wow, that’s an interesting one! Much better than Bolivia. What’s your game plan?
Louisa: Long debates on shoemaking
Jack: Shoemaking?
Louisa: Well, I read this book on Chinese shoemaking once. So I know loads about it. And I figure it’s better to concentrate on one topic in depth than try to cover everything.
Jack: All the same...shoemaking? Why would the UN talk about shoemaking?
Louisa: I dunno, maybe I’m exporting them
Jack: Well, what if somebody wants to raise another issue with you?
Louisa: I’ll keep saying that I’m not willing to discuss anything else until after the shoemaking. By the time I finish everyone’ll just want to go home.
Louisa: Thursday. They’ve moved it forward cos of Mr Hilbert’s haemorrhoids.
Jack: Oh really? That’s annoying. Less time to prepare.
Louisa: Gives us an excuse if it all goes wrong though
Jack: I suppose. You got a country now?
Louisa: China
Jack: Wow, that’s an interesting one! Much better than Bolivia. What’s your game plan?
Louisa: Long debates on shoemaking
Jack: Shoemaking?
Louisa: Well, I read this book on Chinese shoemaking once. So I know loads about it. And I figure it’s better to concentrate on one topic in depth than try to cover everything.
Jack: All the same...shoemaking? Why would the UN talk about shoemaking?
Louisa: I dunno, maybe I’m exporting them
Jack: Well, what if somebody wants to raise another issue with you?
Louisa: I’ll keep saying that I’m not willing to discuss anything else until after the shoemaking. By the time I finish everyone’ll just want to go home.
Bus XVII
Louisa: How’d it go with the psychiatrist?
Jack: Well...it turns out Flora Flinton’s a real person
Louisa: What, really? All this time?
Jack: No, that’s the weirdest part. I mean, what are the chances she'd meet a girl with the exact same name as her imaginary friend?
Scott: I used to have an imaginary cat
Jack: What was its name?
Scott: ‘Cat’. Just ‘Cat’.
Jack: Well...it turns out Flora Flinton’s a real person
Louisa: What, really? All this time?
Jack: No, that’s the weirdest part. I mean, what are the chances she'd meet a girl with the exact same name as her imaginary friend?
Scott: I used to have an imaginary cat
Jack: What was its name?
Scott: ‘Cat’. Just ‘Cat’.
Bus XVI
Jack: My folks are taking Jane to a psychiatrist tomorrow
Louisa: Why?
Jack: Because she’s obsessed with her imaginary friend
Louisa: Oh, I had one of those! Mia Walensa.
Jack: Interesting name
Louisa: Yeah, that was during my Polish phase. I’d make everyone sing the Polish national anthem before meals - so she'd feel welcome.
Jack: You must have a very patient family
Louisa: Oh, it wasn’t only family. Just be glad I went to an All Girls’ Primary.
Jack: Well Jane’s seven now and she still talks about Flora Flinton constantly. How long did you keep on to yours?
Louisa: I murdered her when I was six
Jack: Murdered her?!
Louisa: Yeah, I pushed her in front of a car. She was such a haughty little bitch. Always fluttering her eyelashes at the boys. Had it coming.
Louisa: Why?
Jack: Because she’s obsessed with her imaginary friend
Louisa: Oh, I had one of those! Mia Walensa.
Jack: Interesting name
Louisa: Yeah, that was during my Polish phase. I’d make everyone sing the Polish national anthem before meals - so she'd feel welcome.
Jack: You must have a very patient family
Louisa: Oh, it wasn’t only family. Just be glad I went to an All Girls’ Primary.
Jack: Well Jane’s seven now and she still talks about Flora Flinton constantly. How long did you keep on to yours?
Louisa: I murdered her when I was six
Jack: Murdered her?!
Louisa: Yeah, I pushed her in front of a car. She was such a haughty little bitch. Always fluttering her eyelashes at the boys. Had it coming.
Bus XV
Louisa: Saw you in town Sunday
Scott: Oh yeah?
Louisa: With your mum. Carrying a bowl of something.
Scott: That was soup for Old Pete. He’s this homeless guy we visit sometimes.
Louisa: Wow, that’s nice
Scott: Well, he's an old friend of my dad’s. Used to give him stock tips.
Louisa: Your dad took stock tips from a homeless guy?
Scott: He's an expert. Reads all the business pages. Fishes them out of bins.
Jack: Didn’t your dad go bankrupt and flee the country?
Scott: Yeah, but that was cos he started listening to his broker instead of Old Pete
Scott: Oh yeah?
Louisa: With your mum. Carrying a bowl of something.
Scott: That was soup for Old Pete. He’s this homeless guy we visit sometimes.
Louisa: Wow, that’s nice
Scott: Well, he's an old friend of my dad’s. Used to give him stock tips.
Louisa: Your dad took stock tips from a homeless guy?
Scott: He's an expert. Reads all the business pages. Fishes them out of bins.
Jack: Didn’t your dad go bankrupt and flee the country?
Scott: Yeah, but that was cos he started listening to his broker instead of Old Pete
Bus XIV
Louisa: Why are you wearing a hat?
Jack: It’s a thinking cap. Finally I can unleash my long-dormant creative powers.
Louisa: You’re not gonna start singing again, are you?
Jack: Who knows where the muse will take me? Perhaps I’ll write a symphony. Or a novel.
Louisa: Sounds more like a self-delusion cap
Jack: Do you enjoy tearing down people’s hopes and dreams?
Louisa: Only yours
Jack: It’s a thinking cap. Finally I can unleash my long-dormant creative powers.
Louisa: You’re not gonna start singing again, are you?
Jack: Who knows where the muse will take me? Perhaps I’ll write a symphony. Or a novel.
Louisa: Sounds more like a self-delusion cap
Jack: Do you enjoy tearing down people’s hopes and dreams?
Louisa: Only yours
Bus XIII
Jack: Do you prefer big bags of crisps or multi-pack bags?
Louisa: Why’s the driver turning here?
Scott: What’re multi-pack bags?
Jack: You know, ones with lots of little bags in them
Louisa: Guys, I think we’re on the wrong bus
Scott: They sell bags with lots of little bags inside?
Jack: You’ve never seen those?
Louisa: We’d better get off at the next stop
Scott: Nope. I'm not that big on crisps. Prefer nuts.
Louisa: Guys, we’d better get off here!
Jack: Meh, we only just got on
Scott: Yeah, I'd rather wait this one out
Louisa: Why’s the driver turning here?
Scott: What’re multi-pack bags?
Jack: You know, ones with lots of little bags in them
Louisa: Guys, I think we’re on the wrong bus
Scott: They sell bags with lots of little bags inside?
Jack: You’ve never seen those?
Louisa: We’d better get off at the next stop
Scott: Nope. I'm not that big on crisps. Prefer nuts.
Louisa: Guys, we’d better get off here!
Jack: Meh, we only just got on
Scott: Yeah, I'd rather wait this one out
Bus XII
Louisa: Where's Scott this morning?
Jack: He got off cos that couple up front kept kissing. Said it offended him.
Louisa: Offended him?
Jack: Yeah, said he'd rather walk than sit idly by while young children are corrupted.
Louisa: Wow, I never realised he was so prudish. Or so eloquent.
Jack: Yeah, he gets very upset about all the swearing on children's television too
Louisa: Swearing? They don't swear on children's television, do they?
Jack: I dunno, I only watch the adult shows
Louisa: Same here. Why do they even make children's shows?
Jack: Lets the adults feel nostalgic
Jack: He got off cos that couple up front kept kissing. Said it offended him.
Louisa: Offended him?
Jack: Yeah, said he'd rather walk than sit idly by while young children are corrupted.
Louisa: Wow, I never realised he was so prudish. Or so eloquent.
Jack: Yeah, he gets very upset about all the swearing on children's television too
Louisa: Swearing? They don't swear on children's television, do they?
Jack: I dunno, I only watch the adult shows
Louisa: Same here. Why do they even make children's shows?
Jack: Lets the adults feel nostalgic
Bus XI
Jack: Let's get a hot dog in town
Scott: Can't. Gotta visit my mum in the hospital.
Louisa: God, is she okay?
Scott: Just a burn
Louisa: Well...I hope she gets better soon
Scott: Thanks
Louisa: She found a new job yet?
Scott: 'Fraid not
Louisa: Ah, that sucks
Scott: Yeah, it's getting kinda tough. Last week we had to choose between lightbulbs or cocoa.
Scott: Can't. Gotta visit my mum in the hospital.
Louisa: God, is she okay?
Scott: Just a burn
Louisa: Well...I hope she gets better soon
Scott: Thanks
Louisa: She found a new job yet?
Scott: 'Fraid not
Louisa: Ah, that sucks
Scott: Yeah, it's getting kinda tough. Last week we had to choose between lightbulbs or cocoa.
Bus X
Scott: Lend us a tenner, will you?
Jack: Lent you twenty last week!
Scott: I know, but I’ve already spent it and I need more. Vital purchases.
Jack: Porn subscriptions aren’t vital purchases
Louisa: Ew, I dread to think what you get off on
Scott: Can’t help it if I have needs. C’mon, you know I always pay you back.
Jack: Make your own porn or something
Scott: I don’t know any fit girls
Louisa: Thanks
Scott: Well, would you do porn?
Louisa: Degrading myself for money? No, thanks.
Jack: Yeah, it’s a bit nasty. Would you, Scott?
Scott: I’m all for degradation, but porn’s so commercial these days. Men in suits demanding extra takes. It’s not for me.
Jack: Lent you twenty last week!
Scott: I know, but I’ve already spent it and I need more. Vital purchases.
Jack: Porn subscriptions aren’t vital purchases
Louisa: Ew, I dread to think what you get off on
Scott: Can’t help it if I have needs. C’mon, you know I always pay you back.
Jack: Make your own porn or something
Scott: I don’t know any fit girls
Louisa: Thanks
Scott: Well, would you do porn?
Louisa: Degrading myself for money? No, thanks.
Jack: Yeah, it’s a bit nasty. Would you, Scott?
Scott: I’m all for degradation, but porn’s so commercial these days. Men in suits demanding extra takes. It’s not for me.
Bus IX
Louisa: Where’s Scott today?
Jack: Home ill
Louisa: Oh
Jack: Yep
Louisa: Good riddance to him, I say
Jack: Ditto
Louisa: Anything funny in the news lately?
Jack: Not really. Just political stuff.
Louisa: Oh
Jack: Yep
Louisa: I wonder what Scott’s doing
Jack: Wanna phone him?
Louisa: No, better not. He might be asleep.
Jack: Oh
Louisa: Yep
Jack: Home ill
Louisa: Oh
Jack: Yep
Louisa: Good riddance to him, I say
Jack: Ditto
Louisa: Anything funny in the news lately?
Jack: Not really. Just political stuff.
Louisa: Oh
Jack: Yep
Louisa: I wonder what Scott’s doing
Jack: Wanna phone him?
Louisa: No, better not. He might be asleep.
Jack: Oh
Louisa: Yep
Bus VIII
Louisa: I don't think she was even wearing one today
Jack: This again? Is nothing sacred anymore?
Scott: She was definitely wearing it in History - Duncan O'Malley clocked it. Blue - just like yesterday.
Jack: Duncan's colourblind
Louisa: A-ha!
Scott: You sure?
Jack: I administered the test myself
Louisa: Anyway, she could easily have a pack of blue ones.
Scott: A pack of blue ones? Yeah, that's likely.
Louisa: Why can't you just face the fact this girl has multiple bras?
Scott: I'll believe it when I see it
Jack: I think we're all hoping it doesn't come to that
Louisa: There's no pattern!
Scott: What about the Alternate Thursdays Dossier?
Louisa: Have you even read the findings? Inconclusive.
Scott: What we need is a spy. In her house.
Louisa: Doesn't she have a brother?
Scott: Yeah, but he's older
Louisa: Only a couple of years! And every brother has his price!
Jack: If only you'd put this much time and effort into our Maths Project
Jack: This again? Is nothing sacred anymore?
Scott: She was definitely wearing it in History - Duncan O'Malley clocked it. Blue - just like yesterday.
Jack: Duncan's colourblind
Louisa: A-ha!
Scott: You sure?
Jack: I administered the test myself
Louisa: Anyway, she could easily have a pack of blue ones.
Scott: A pack of blue ones? Yeah, that's likely.
Louisa: Why can't you just face the fact this girl has multiple bras?
Scott: I'll believe it when I see it
Jack: I think we're all hoping it doesn't come to that
Louisa: There's no pattern!
Scott: What about the Alternate Thursdays Dossier?
Louisa: Have you even read the findings? Inconclusive.
Scott: What we need is a spy. In her house.
Louisa: Doesn't she have a brother?
Scott: Yeah, but he's older
Louisa: Only a couple of years! And every brother has his price!
Jack: If only you'd put this much time and effort into our Maths Project
Bus VII
Louisa: Why weren't you in Biology?
Scott: I was
Louisa: No, you weren't. I'd have seen you.
Scott: You did see me. Even said hello.
Louisa: Oh c'mon, I'd have remembered that!
Scott: You'd think so...but apparently not
Louisa: Where was he, Jack?
Jack: No idea. I'm not his keeper, y'know.
Scott: You seriously don't remember?
Louisa: No!
Scott: We discussed Fiona Preston's bra...
Louisa: She wasn't in today!
Scott: I know, thats what we discussed. Her absence...and whether it was bra-related.
Jack: Why would it be bra-related?
Louisa: Well, everyone says she only has one bra...
Scott: ...so the days she has off must be her laundry days
Louisa: They aren't - there's no pattern.
Jack: Couldn't her laundry day just be at the weekend?
Louisa: Here's my stop. I know you're lying to me! You were not in Biology!
Jack: Where else could he have been? You know he's not a toilet hider.
Louisa: True, he wouldn't be caught dead near a toilet. Later, losers.
Exit Louisa
Jack: So where were you really?
Scott: Counselling
Jack: Oh! Still on Truthfulness?
Scott: Yep
Scott: I was
Louisa: No, you weren't. I'd have seen you.
Scott: You did see me. Even said hello.
Louisa: Oh c'mon, I'd have remembered that!
Scott: You'd think so...but apparently not
Louisa: Where was he, Jack?
Jack: No idea. I'm not his keeper, y'know.
Scott: You seriously don't remember?
Louisa: No!
Scott: We discussed Fiona Preston's bra...
Louisa: She wasn't in today!
Scott: I know, thats what we discussed. Her absence...and whether it was bra-related.
Jack: Why would it be bra-related?
Louisa: Well, everyone says she only has one bra...
Scott: ...so the days she has off must be her laundry days
Louisa: They aren't - there's no pattern.
Jack: Couldn't her laundry day just be at the weekend?
Louisa: Here's my stop. I know you're lying to me! You were not in Biology!
Jack: Where else could he have been? You know he's not a toilet hider.
Louisa: True, he wouldn't be caught dead near a toilet. Later, losers.
Exit Louisa
Jack: So where were you really?
Scott: Counselling
Jack: Oh! Still on Truthfulness?
Scott: Yep
Bus VI
Louisa: I miss being a kid
Jack: I miss ice cream
Louisa: You had ice cream yesterday
Jack: Never tastes the same anymore.
Scott: Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I reckon they ran out of the real ice cream a few years back and now they're just putting any old crap in it.
Louisa: And they never put as many crisps in the bag anymore. One of these days I'm gonna open a bag and it'll literally just be one crisp.
Jack: I swear it used to be sunnier back then too. Now it just rains all the time.
Louisa: I remember one year Lorrie Blackman had a bouncy castle, so we spent all summer pretending we liked her
Jack: Whatever happened to Lorrie?
Louisa: Her dad went mental or something. Moved them all to Sheffield.
Jack: When you were a kid, you could just go out and play and not have to worry about any of this shit. What d'you miss most about being young, Scott?
Scott: I dunno, being able to pee wherever I wanted was pretty good. No queueing.
Jack: Sorry I asked
Jack: I miss ice cream
Louisa: You had ice cream yesterday
Jack: Never tastes the same anymore.
Scott: Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I reckon they ran out of the real ice cream a few years back and now they're just putting any old crap in it.
Louisa: And they never put as many crisps in the bag anymore. One of these days I'm gonna open a bag and it'll literally just be one crisp.
Jack: I swear it used to be sunnier back then too. Now it just rains all the time.
Louisa: I remember one year Lorrie Blackman had a bouncy castle, so we spent all summer pretending we liked her
Jack: Whatever happened to Lorrie?
Louisa: Her dad went mental or something. Moved them all to Sheffield.
Jack: When you were a kid, you could just go out and play and not have to worry about any of this shit. What d'you miss most about being young, Scott?
Scott: I dunno, being able to pee wherever I wanted was pretty good. No queueing.
Jack: Sorry I asked
Bus V
Louisa: Thinking about getting my hair braided
Jack: Isn’t that against the rules?
Louisa: Is it? Oh well, I’ll make up an excuse.
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: I dunno, I’ll say I had a car crash or something
Jack: A car crash that braided your hair?
Louisa shrugs
Jack: Isn’t that against the rules?
Louisa: Is it? Oh well, I’ll make up an excuse.
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: I dunno, I’ll say I had a car crash or something
Jack: A car crash that braided your hair?
Louisa shrugs
Bus IV
Jack: How’s the job?
Scott: It’s alright. Ted lets me use the machines without goggles. He says goggles are for pussies.
Jack: Isn’t he blind?
Scott: So what if he is? No need to discriminate.
Louisa: If I was a burglar, I’d definitely target the blind
Jack: Such an enlightened bus, this one
Scott: It’s alright. Ted lets me use the machines without goggles. He says goggles are for pussies.
Jack: Isn’t he blind?
Scott: So what if he is? No need to discriminate.
Louisa: If I was a burglar, I’d definitely target the blind
Jack: Such an enlightened bus, this one
Bus III
Louisa: How was the museum, guys?
Jack: Meh
Scott: We saw this cool old skull. It was, like, a million years old or something.
Jack: It wasn’t that old
Scott: How d'you know? You spent the whole time making eyes at Lizzie Rockford.
Louisa: Ha, you fancy Lizzie Rockford?
Jack: It’s him who fancies her
Scott: No, I don’t. She’s got a squint.
Jack: It’s not a squint. One of her eyes is just a little bit bigger than the other.
Scott: You’re right, she’s a stunner
Jack: Shut up, Scott
Louisa: Ha, you do fancy her. Is it love, Jack?
Jack: I don’t fancy her. Just feel a bit sorry for her.
Scott: You’ve never felt sorry for anyone
Jack: Oh yeah? What about that woman with the shopping bags?
Scott: That was only cos you wanted to get off with her
Jack: She was eighty-two
Scott: Don’t I know it, you pervert
Louisa: Lizzie isn’t that bad-looking. She has nice teeth. I’d kill for her teeth.
Scott: Who wants nice teeth? You only use them for eating.
Louisa: And smiling. They give her a nice smile.
Jack: That skull had horrible teeth. All yellow.
Louisa: I guess they didn’t have toothpaste back then
Scott: And the tablets can't have helped
Louisa: Huh?
Scott: It said in the museum about them having stone tablets. For headaches and stuff. They used to break their teeth on them.
Jack: Meh
Scott: We saw this cool old skull. It was, like, a million years old or something.
Jack: It wasn’t that old
Scott: How d'you know? You spent the whole time making eyes at Lizzie Rockford.
Louisa: Ha, you fancy Lizzie Rockford?
Jack: It’s him who fancies her
Scott: No, I don’t. She’s got a squint.
Jack: It’s not a squint. One of her eyes is just a little bit bigger than the other.
Scott: You’re right, she’s a stunner
Jack: Shut up, Scott
Louisa: Ha, you do fancy her. Is it love, Jack?
Jack: I don’t fancy her. Just feel a bit sorry for her.
Scott: You’ve never felt sorry for anyone
Jack: Oh yeah? What about that woman with the shopping bags?
Scott: That was only cos you wanted to get off with her
Jack: She was eighty-two
Scott: Don’t I know it, you pervert
Louisa: Lizzie isn’t that bad-looking. She has nice teeth. I’d kill for her teeth.
Scott: Who wants nice teeth? You only use them for eating.
Louisa: And smiling. They give her a nice smile.
Jack: That skull had horrible teeth. All yellow.
Louisa: I guess they didn’t have toothpaste back then
Scott: And the tablets can't have helped
Louisa: Huh?
Scott: It said in the museum about them having stone tablets. For headaches and stuff. They used to break their teeth on them.
Bus II
Scott: Did you hear about the knife fight in town?
Louisa: No! When was this?
Scott: Last night. I saw it.
Jack: How did you see it? You were round my house last night.
Scott: After I left. I got a text from this girl I know, so I went down there.
Jack: Thanks for texting me too
Scott: Sorry. Didn't have any credit.
Louisa: What were they fighting over?
Scott: This fat guy had stolen the other guy’s pig
Jack: They were fighting over a pig? Who has pigs round here?
Scott: They looked like circus people
Louisa: You must be making this up. Since when do circuses have pigs?
Scott: It wasn’t part of the circus. Just the non-fat guy’s pet.
Louisa: Did he get it back?
Scott: No, but the fat guy agreed to buy him another one
Louisa: No! When was this?
Scott: Last night. I saw it.
Jack: How did you see it? You were round my house last night.
Scott: After I left. I got a text from this girl I know, so I went down there.
Jack: Thanks for texting me too
Scott: Sorry. Didn't have any credit.
Louisa: What were they fighting over?
Scott: This fat guy had stolen the other guy’s pig
Jack: They were fighting over a pig? Who has pigs round here?
Scott: They looked like circus people
Louisa: You must be making this up. Since when do circuses have pigs?
Scott: It wasn’t part of the circus. Just the non-fat guy’s pet.
Louisa: Did he get it back?
Scott: No, but the fat guy agreed to buy him another one
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