Louisa: You know how they have obituaries in the Gazette for old students and staff?
Jack: Oh, those are real? Then why are they right next to the comic strips?
Louisa: I dunno. To cheer people up afterwards? Anyway, there's an award each year for the most gruesome death.
Jack: Do murders count?
Louisa: No, they learned that lesson. Accidental deaths only. Anyway, I was looking through the list of past winners earlier, and no less than seven of them were called Jack.
Jack: Well, how many winners have there been? Any Scotts?
Louisa: No Scotts. And no Louisas either. Which isn't a surprise, since I also found out there used to be a ban on any student here being called Louisa. Even if it was just your middle name.
Jack: How come?
Louisa: It's just one of those crazy old bye-laws. And unlike the bye-law about giving every student a gold bar at graduation, this one was rigidly enforced until a few years ago. I guess they heard I was coming.
Jack: Well, how did these seven Jacks die? Too much sex?
Louisa: Hot air balloon crashes. Ski-lift malfunctions. Wild dog attacks. As far as I can tell, the only unifying factor was no sex whatsoever.
Jack: All this really tells me is that people called Jack lead action-packed lives, while Louisas sit at home knitting scarves
Louisa: Look, I already said you don't have to wear it. Just thought you might appreciate some protection against the cold. Especially since one of those Jacks died at the North Pole. As did my cousin, so I know about these things.
Jack: Yeah, but the North Pole where your cousin died was a seafood restaurant
Louisa: Okay, but she still died of hypothermia. Whereas the Jack at the other North Pole died of alcohol poisoning. So who's the real hero?
Jack: I don't think anyone's coming out of this conversation a hero
Bus CXXII
Louisa: If you had a time machine, would you rather travel to the past or the future?
Jack: The future. I wanna prove that everything's getting worse.
Louisa: You need time travel for that?
Jack: Well, it's like how you don't notice someone's putting on weight if you see them every day. But if I could bring back solid evidence from the future, everyone would know I was right and I could finally rub it in their faces.
Louisa: I'd like to go back to the past
Jack: How come?
Louisa: I wanna find out how you got so screwed up
Jack: The future. I wanna prove that everything's getting worse.
Louisa: You need time travel for that?
Jack: Well, it's like how you don't notice someone's putting on weight if you see them every day. But if I could bring back solid evidence from the future, everyone would know I was right and I could finally rub it in their faces.
Louisa: I'd like to go back to the past
Jack: How come?
Louisa: I wanna find out how you got so screwed up
Bus CXXI
Louisa: I'm so hungry
Jack: You bought a sandwich earlier
Louisa: Yeah, but I never ate it. And now it's too late. I'm never eating from that canteen again.
Jack: How come?
Louisa: I just found out they've been putting anti-depressants in all the food
Jack: Wow. That's actually a really good idea.
Louisa: I know you like to play Devil's advocate, but even the Devil would think they'd stepped over the line with this one
Jack: When you think about it though, so many of the students here are already on anti-depressants that it kind of makes sense to just dose everyone at once
Louisa: But they didn't even bother to tell anyone. The kids who are already on anti-depressants must've been getting double doses. Someone could've overdosed.
Jack: Yeah, overdosing on happiness. Who'd want that?
Louisa: Happiness doesn't come out of pill bottles, Jack. Only alcohol bottles.
Jack: What if you put alcohol in the pill bottles? Hey, does this mean I can write for the Gazette now?
Louisa: Still no. And the worst thing is they've told me I can't even write an editorial about it until they solve the paper shortage.
Jack: Or, presumably, until you become editor. There's a paper shortage?
Louisa: So they claim. It didn't stop them having a paper aeroplane contest yesterday though.
Jack: Well, I guess they keep a back-up supply for that kind of emergency
Louisa: I honestly think this might be the worst thing the school has ever done
Jack: Really? Remember when they gave all the Rag Week money to those terrorists?
Louisa: Okay, I guess it might not be the worst thing. But it still really pisses me off.
Jack: Well, you'll feel better once you've eaten
Jack: You bought a sandwich earlier
Louisa: Yeah, but I never ate it. And now it's too late. I'm never eating from that canteen again.
Jack: How come?
Louisa: I just found out they've been putting anti-depressants in all the food
Jack: Wow. That's actually a really good idea.
Louisa: I know you like to play Devil's advocate, but even the Devil would think they'd stepped over the line with this one
Jack: When you think about it though, so many of the students here are already on anti-depressants that it kind of makes sense to just dose everyone at once
Louisa: But they didn't even bother to tell anyone. The kids who are already on anti-depressants must've been getting double doses. Someone could've overdosed.
Jack: Yeah, overdosing on happiness. Who'd want that?
Louisa: Happiness doesn't come out of pill bottles, Jack. Only alcohol bottles.
Jack: What if you put alcohol in the pill bottles? Hey, does this mean I can write for the Gazette now?
Louisa: Still no. And the worst thing is they've told me I can't even write an editorial about it until they solve the paper shortage.
Jack: Or, presumably, until you become editor. There's a paper shortage?
Louisa: So they claim. It didn't stop them having a paper aeroplane contest yesterday though.
Jack: Well, I guess they keep a back-up supply for that kind of emergency
Louisa: I honestly think this might be the worst thing the school has ever done
Jack: Really? Remember when they gave all the Rag Week money to those terrorists?
Louisa: Okay, I guess it might not be the worst thing. But it still really pisses me off.
Jack: Well, you'll feel better once you've eaten
Bus CXX
Louisa: Wait, where's Jack?
Scott: Sick
Louisa: Oh no. He's gonna miss our friend-iversary. It's one year today since we became proper friends.
Scott: What happened a year ago?
Louisa: Nothing. We just threw a dart at a calendar. But that doesn't make today any less special. I even wrote a song to commemorate the occasion.
Scott: You were gonna sing?
Louisa: We both were. It's a duet. And then I was gonna do the Polish national anthem for an encore.
Scott: Yeah, I'm starting to think Jack's not really sick
Scott: Sick
Louisa: Oh no. He's gonna miss our friend-iversary. It's one year today since we became proper friends.
Scott: What happened a year ago?
Louisa: Nothing. We just threw a dart at a calendar. But that doesn't make today any less special. I even wrote a song to commemorate the occasion.
Scott: You were gonna sing?
Louisa: We both were. It's a duet. And then I was gonna do the Polish national anthem for an encore.
Scott: Yeah, I'm starting to think Jack's not really sick
Bus CXIX
Jack: What're you doing?
Scott: Trying to get this dog shit off my shoe
Jack: Sorry I asked
Louisa: That reminds me. You know how my birthday's coming up? Well, I was thinking maybe we could go for a meal.
Jack: What, just the two of us? Awkward.
Louisa: I meant Scott too
Jack: Oh, okay. But he'll be wearing different shoes, right?
Louisa: Me and my old friends always used to go for a meal on each other's birthdays. You know, before they decided I wasn't cool enough to hang out with them.
Jack: Well, now you're cool enough to hang out with us. Y'know, Scott, I think that's actually cat shit.
Scott: What's the difference?
Jack: Well, it came out of a cat
Louisa: So what do you think?
Jack: Yeah, I guess. Usually I just resent people on their birthdays, so this could be an interesting change of pace. Where would we go though?
Scott: Have you guys ever been to Chug-Chug? They've got these amazing magic-eye puzzles on the tablecloths.
Jack: Yeah, but if it was a choice between their food and your shoe, I'd lick the shoe
Louisa: Anyway, I was thinking maybe somewhere a bit more classy
Scott: I can't afford anywhere classy
Louisa: Oh, my mum would pay for it all. Or my dad. They're fighting over the chance to pay for it all, actually.
Jack: It's nice to know that even when people stop loving each other, they can still find ways to fight over money
Scott: Trying to get this dog shit off my shoe
Jack: Sorry I asked
Louisa: That reminds me. You know how my birthday's coming up? Well, I was thinking maybe we could go for a meal.
Jack: What, just the two of us? Awkward.
Louisa: I meant Scott too
Jack: Oh, okay. But he'll be wearing different shoes, right?
Louisa: Me and my old friends always used to go for a meal on each other's birthdays. You know, before they decided I wasn't cool enough to hang out with them.
Jack: Well, now you're cool enough to hang out with us. Y'know, Scott, I think that's actually cat shit.
Scott: What's the difference?
Jack: Well, it came out of a cat
Louisa: So what do you think?
Jack: Yeah, I guess. Usually I just resent people on their birthdays, so this could be an interesting change of pace. Where would we go though?
Scott: Have you guys ever been to Chug-Chug? They've got these amazing magic-eye puzzles on the tablecloths.
Jack: Yeah, but if it was a choice between their food and your shoe, I'd lick the shoe
Louisa: Anyway, I was thinking maybe somewhere a bit more classy
Scott: I can't afford anywhere classy
Louisa: Oh, my mum would pay for it all. Or my dad. They're fighting over the chance to pay for it all, actually.
Jack: It's nice to know that even when people stop loving each other, they can still find ways to fight over money
Bus CXVIII
Louisa: Thinking about getting a job
Jack: Big mistake, Lou-Lou
Louisa: It's a mistake to want to better myself?
Jack: Yes, but that's really a separate issue
Louisa: Work is good for the soul
Jack: Last week you said the same thing about muffins
Louisa: Well, the two things aren't mutually exclusive
Jack: Find yourself a job at a muffin factory, and you're all set
Jack: Big mistake, Lou-Lou
Louisa: It's a mistake to want to better myself?
Jack: Yes, but that's really a separate issue
Louisa: Work is good for the soul
Jack: Last week you said the same thing about muffins
Louisa: Well, the two things aren't mutually exclusive
Jack: Find yourself a job at a muffin factory, and you're all set
Bus CXVII
Jack: Did you see the school's got a new sponsor?
Louisa: I just finished writing an angry editorial about it for the Gazette
Jack: How can you write an editorial when you're not the editor?
Louisa: The question you ought to ask is how can it be appropriate for a school to get sponsored by a company that makes rifles
Jack: To be fair, they don't actually make rifles. Just rifle bullets.
Louisa: Oh, that's okay then!
Jack: If they didn't make the bullets, people would still own rifles. They'd just be hitting each other over the head with them or something.
Louisa: Well, that still sounds better than everyone shooting each other
Jack: Yeah, I guess it does. Didn't really think that one through.
Louisa: If we've gotta have a sponsor, it should at least be something in keeping with the character of the school
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: I dunno. Cheap cider or something.
Jack: Is that really any better than guns?
Louisa: A little bit, yeah. We already have a drinking problem at this school. We don't yet have a shooting problem.
Jack: Except heroin
Louisa: Well yeah, obviously
Jack: This is kind of a crappy school, isn't it
Louisa: I just finished writing an angry editorial about it for the Gazette
Jack: How can you write an editorial when you're not the editor?
Louisa: The question you ought to ask is how can it be appropriate for a school to get sponsored by a company that makes rifles
Jack: To be fair, they don't actually make rifles. Just rifle bullets.
Louisa: Oh, that's okay then!
Jack: If they didn't make the bullets, people would still own rifles. They'd just be hitting each other over the head with them or something.
Louisa: Well, that still sounds better than everyone shooting each other
Jack: Yeah, I guess it does. Didn't really think that one through.
Louisa: If we've gotta have a sponsor, it should at least be something in keeping with the character of the school
Jack: Like what?
Louisa: I dunno. Cheap cider or something.
Jack: Is that really any better than guns?
Louisa: A little bit, yeah. We already have a drinking problem at this school. We don't yet have a shooting problem.
Jack: Except heroin
Louisa: Well yeah, obviously
Jack: This is kind of a crappy school, isn't it
Bus CXVI
Jack: Fucking Phockford
Louisa: Huh?
Jack: Ronnie Phelps. Lizzie Rockford. Phockford.
Louisa: Clever
Jack: Why doesn't she like me?
Louisa: I really can't imagine. You're angry, bitter, cynical. Everything a teenage girl could want.
Jack: I just feel so empty
Louisa: You can share my sandwich if you want
Jack: Not that kind of empty
Louisa: Huh?
Jack: Ronnie Phelps. Lizzie Rockford. Phockford.
Louisa: Clever
Jack: Why doesn't she like me?
Louisa: I really can't imagine. You're angry, bitter, cynical. Everything a teenage girl could want.
Jack: I just feel so empty
Louisa: You can share my sandwich if you want
Jack: Not that kind of empty
Bus CXV
Louisa: Would you rather be able to fly or turn invisible?
Jack: Both
Louisa: You have to choose
Jack: Then neither
Louisa: What, you're too good for just one superpower?
Jack: What's the point of being able to fly if everyone can see me? It'd be ten minutes, tops, before I got declared a danger to national security and shot down by anti-aircraft guns.
Louisa: Okay, then forget about flight and just choose invisibility
Jack: That's no good either. If I can turn invisible but still have to walk everywhere, people will just keep bumping into me all the time.
Louisa: Fine, what power do you want? Totally free choice.
Jack: Selective hearing. I wanna be able to block out all the stupid things that people say to me.
Louisa: That's really lame
Jack: Yeah, but whenever people say it's lame, I'll just block them out
Louisa: Still lame
Jack: Alright, what would your power be then?
Louisa: I dunno. Maybe really good cooking skills. I always burn everything.
Jack: Cool. We could be a superhero tag team.
Louisa: Not much of a tag team. Somewhere there's a deaf chef who's got as much power as the two of us combined.
Jack: Both
Louisa: You have to choose
Jack: Then neither
Louisa: What, you're too good for just one superpower?
Jack: What's the point of being able to fly if everyone can see me? It'd be ten minutes, tops, before I got declared a danger to national security and shot down by anti-aircraft guns.
Louisa: Okay, then forget about flight and just choose invisibility
Jack: That's no good either. If I can turn invisible but still have to walk everywhere, people will just keep bumping into me all the time.
Louisa: Fine, what power do you want? Totally free choice.
Jack: Selective hearing. I wanna be able to block out all the stupid things that people say to me.
Louisa: That's really lame
Jack: Yeah, but whenever people say it's lame, I'll just block them out
Louisa: Still lame
Jack: Alright, what would your power be then?
Louisa: I dunno. Maybe really good cooking skills. I always burn everything.
Jack: Cool. We could be a superhero tag team.
Louisa: Not much of a tag team. Somewhere there's a deaf chef who's got as much power as the two of us combined.
Bus CXIV
Louisa: Has your sister found a new job yet?
Scott: Nope, she's had to start signing on
Louisa: Oh dear. Well, at least she's getting some money in.
Scott: I guess, but she's pretty down about the whole thing. It doesn't help that they made her jump through all these hoops to qualify.
Louisa: What kind of hoops?
Scott: Actual hoops. It was part of the Unemployed Sports Day.
Louisa: What's that?
Jack: It's a new government initiative to get the unemployed in shape for a future of manual labour. And they sell tickets to help fund the unemployment benefits.
Louisa: What, so a load of rich people can point and laugh?
Jack: It's mostly family members screaming and crying, but yeah. In theory.
Scott: Nope, she's had to start signing on
Louisa: Oh dear. Well, at least she's getting some money in.
Scott: I guess, but she's pretty down about the whole thing. It doesn't help that they made her jump through all these hoops to qualify.
Louisa: What kind of hoops?
Scott: Actual hoops. It was part of the Unemployed Sports Day.
Louisa: What's that?
Jack: It's a new government initiative to get the unemployed in shape for a future of manual labour. And they sell tickets to help fund the unemployment benefits.
Louisa: What, so a load of rich people can point and laugh?
Jack: It's mostly family members screaming and crying, but yeah. In theory.
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